Movie Review #21: Annie (2014)

Annie (2014)
Director: Will Gluck
Writer(s): Will Gluck, Aline Brosh McKenna
Starring: Quvenzhané Wallis, Jamie Foxx, Cameron Diaz

So, last year, the Internet was abuzz with posts like this:

(All credit goes to this site.)

The collective response of rational people: sure, maybe you're not racist, but that comment certainly is. To claim that "Little Orphan Annie" must be a white red-headed girl is to claim that all relics of racial disparity must be maintained. Indeed, if one looks at the original "Little Orphan Annie" comics, one can find quite a bit of not so thinly-veiled racism hiding just below the surface. I've heard some people argue that "well, if they can make a remake of Annie with an African-American girl, why can't they make a remake of Roots with a Caucasian cast?" Simple: Roots is a historical drama based around the real-life suffering of the black race throughout American history. To have a white cast would be historically disingenuous, and, yes, racist. Annie is a capitalist fantasy/propaganda piece intended to illustrate the American dream in the most picaresque way possible. Fundamentally, the story design is race-neutral. Now, I appreciate the gesture to have an African-American actor play the "Daddy Warbucks" character, so as not to perpetuate the "white man's burden" stereotype that has plagued films like Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, and Avatar. There is no conceivable argument to be made that having Little Orphan Annie be African-American is wrong.

That being said, the 2014 remake of Annie is a disaster of a movie.

Before anyone calls the "racist" card on me, one needs to understand my position on this movie. Out of my family members, I was the one most excited to watch Annie. My parents, being long-time fans of the original musical and 1982 movie, were very apprehensive about the picture. My sister, having sung "Maybe" (she still knocks it out of the park) multiple times, wasn't sure about the new musical direction the film was going to take. I, on the other hand, was actually quite curious; given the political atmosphere of the 21st century, what would an update of Annie look like? The trailers suggested that the film would have a more distinctly urban approach to the story, rather than the idealized 1920s setting of the original. Is the film going to tackle issues of poverty in a more on-the-nose manner than the original? Heck, is it going to discuss the racist elements that persist in New York and other US cities, with a lack of opportunities for black Americans engendering a vicious cycle of racial hatred? With all the press the film was getting, I was very much excited to see what the film might be.

What I got floored me. This film isn't just unoriginal or boring or even subpar: it's really, really bad. We are talking Happy-Madison comedy levels of bad here. This is one of the worst musicals I have ever seen, let alone one of the worst remakes I've ever seen. Not a single element of the film works. The acting is horrible. The writing is horrible. The pacing is horrible. The cinematography is horrible. The music is horrible. The entire movie is horrible. If not for any of the Michael Bay pictures that came out last year, I'd be hard-pressed to look for a mainstream blockbuster movie of 2014 that was worse than Annie. Without further ado, the actual review:

Annie (Quvenzhané Wallis) is a ten-year-old orphan living in New York City, under the care of the abusive Ms. Hannigan (Cameron Diaz). She is determined to find her actual birth parents. One day, while trying to rescue a dog from some boys, Annie is nearly hit by a car, to be saved by Will Stacks (Jamie Foxx), a cell phone mogul running for mayor. Seeing as his heroic acts towards Annie boost his chances at the polls, Stacks makes an agreement with Annie to have her stay at his house so he can reap the benefits of her presence. As Annie worms her way into the lives of Stacks and his assistant, Grace (Rose Byrne), Stacks's greedy publicity advisor (Bobby Cannavale) schemes to boost Stacks's poll numbers by exploiting Annie in the worst means possible. Light-hearted charm ensues as Annie truly learns what it means to have a family.

Let's get the bases covered by tackling by far the easiest subject: the acting. It's uniformly disappointing. I adore Quvenzhané Wallis; Beasts of the Southern Wild is one of my top twenty favorite movies, and her stellar performance is one of several reasons why. In spite of such high caliber previous performances, Wallis gives some line readings in this film that are truly lackluster. None of the passion of Beasts of the Southern Wild can be found here; it's as if the camera drains all the life out of her. Jamie Foxx must have been determined to prove himself the worst actor of 2014; his awkward, disjointed performance in this film matches his equally bad Electro in The Amazing Spiderman 2. Rose Byrne tries her hardest, but the script does her no favors. Bobby Cannavale plays the role of the villain just as any other of his dozens of prior villain roles: the man is now the slime-ball of cinema. By far the worst is Cameron Diaz as Ms. Hannigan. Diaz transforms one of the most sinister yet comic villains in musical theatre into an unfunny, bedraggled, clichéd character whose attempts at humor make one want to punch her in the face. All I can say is thank goodness that she won Worst Actress at this year's Razzie Awards.

Musically, the Annie remake is grating to laypersons but vomit-inducing to theatre-goers. The entire soundtrack is covered in auto-tune and pitch correction; the musical experience is truly inhuman. Occasionally, though, even the autotune fails. During "Little Girls," Cameron Diaz honestly sounded like a duck that swallowed a tank of helium gas. The original songs aren't memorable in the slightest, being the most by-the-book Oscar-pandering songs I've heard since "Suddenly" from Les Miserables in 2012. The ambient music in the other scenes is alternatively poorly arranged and haphazard or lifelessly stagnant and formulaic. The musical theatre fan in me winced at every single song, as not a single note comes from genuine emotion or psychological development, but rather from analyst-based timing and demographic pandering. The songs serve no function other than taking the listener out of the movie entirely, only confirming the mainstream audience's bias against musical theatre. Films like Annie actively work to destroy the medium that I and so many others adore, and its crimes to music must be excoriated.

The camera work and editing are similarly uninspired. While the high-definition camerawork is pleasing to some, it doesn't end up enhancing any of the film's themes or plot points. Rather than inspiring wonder or awe, the clean sheen of the camera makes the movie experience seem sleek and commercialized. The film looks like a cash grab in each shot; in fact, one could put a logo for some product or another in the bottom right hand corner of the screen, and Annie could very well look like a TV commercial. Furthermore, this film's use of montage is wholly discomforting. While films like Battleship Potemkin, Warrior, Whiplash, and The Pink Panther Strikes Again use montage to its perfect dramatic and comedic effect, Annie uses montages as substitutes for emotional development. I may not follow in the footsteps of the greatest film critic of all time, André Bazin, as far as the emotional weight of the mise en scene is concerned, but this film is the incarnation of his criticisms of montage: the viewer is removed from the experience and is unable to appreciate the artistic elements of the scene. These moments are designed to manipulate.

None of the changes to the original musical work. Instead of being a munitions manufacturer like "Daddy" Warbucks, Will Stacks is a telecommunications mogul. His gimmick: hiding cell towers in plain sight. It's too bad that his plan involves hiding cell towers inside the Statue of Liberty and other national monuments. I have to wonder why the New York City government hasn't leveled any complaints about vandalism. Ms. Hannigan is no longer an alcoholic adoption supervisor but a washed-up struggling actress, who apparently has something "beautiful" hidden within. It's a narrative ploy for us to pity her, when Ms. Hannigan isn't a character whom we are supposed to pity. She is supposed to inspire fear in children and loathing from the audience. I certainly felt loathing for the character... but not for the right reasons. A brief plot point about Stacks's allegedly wanting to get rid of Annie emerges in the third act, but it pops up so briefly as to only make the film drag. A poorly executed car chase is thrown into the film for no clear reason; the entire sequence is devoid of any tension or drama. Finally, in the worst instance of product placement of 2014, Twitter and Instagram end up saving the day. I kid you not. The film is certainly replete with cash-whoring, but that was my last straw.

Even the film's more interesting elements end up wasted. There's a brief conversation between Annie and Stacks in which Stacks argues for his Social Darwinist philosophy: everyone needs to do the best with the cards given to him/her. Annie then asks, "well, what if you don't have any cards?" That's a really good question, one that tackles some of the urban issues that have been most pressing to African-Americans in recent years. But the film then eschews political dilemmas for cheap wit: "then you bluff." What is that supposed to mean? Lie in the fashion of Jay Gatz and become a mogul through exploiting others' wealth? Become a drug kingpin? Suffer through generations of economic abuse and not see any gains for your attempts at self-improvement? The film's joke doesn't even make sense. Ultimately, the viewer is left with an unbalanced moral center.

But, beyond the horrendous acting, beyond the deplorable music, beyond the lackluster mise en scene, beyond the stupid plot points, beyond the confusing themes, the 2014 remake of Annie has no soul. The original 1982 Annie is by no means a five-star film; I'd barely give it over a 7/10. But I have to grant that the film has its moments. From the brief reprise of "Maybe" in which Daddy Warbucks finally admits his paternal feelings towards "Annie" to the breakneck scene on top of the NX bridge to the rousing "Tomorrow" scene with FDR, the film is full of short little scenes that just put a smile on one's face. The 2014 Annie feels like what it actually is: a cash grab. It's a cheap, materialistic remake that is trying to pander to demographics rather than satisfy the merits of good filmmaking.

Recommendation: Theatre fan? Don't see this movie. Movie fans? Don't see this movie. It is not worth anyone's time.

I give Annie 1.6/10 stars.