Sunday, January 4, 2015

Top Ten Best Television Episodes I Saw in 2014


So, I started watching TV again this year.

That phrase might sound odd, but after the conclusion of Lost in 2012, I kind of just stopped watching television. (No, it was not because "Lost betrayed me"; I like the show in pretty much every regard.) More than anything, I just didn't have time to watch TV. I just put my audio-visual entertainment focus on movies, and that satisfied me for a good two years. But, after getting Netflix as a Christmas gift last year, I took advantage of the opportunities presented to me and started watching some of the older TV shows that I wouldn't be able to watch otherwise. Needless to say, I love older TV. It's fun. It's entertaining. It's even thought-provoking. TV is the Harper's Magazine of audio-visual media, able to impart tremendous artistic value through short bursts as opposed to a longer form of artwork like a movie or a novel. Thus, it makes sense to pay tribute to the episodes that really pay off. The following countdown ranks the top ten episodes of TV that I so happened to watch in 2014. These are not the ten best TV episodes of 2014; for that list, go read another blog.

After looking at the list, I've noticed a general trend... I seem to like TV episodes in which people die. Either death is one of the great sources of drama/thematic complexity in fiction, or I'm a very morbid person. In order to properly explain what makes these episodes classics, I thus need to give these deaths away. As one can tell, this list will be loaded with spoilers. I was aware of some of these spoilers before seeing these episodes, and their impact was in no way diminished, but I can understand why some readers would like to skip these episodes. Therefore, I'll try to keep the pictures I use to present each episode spoiler free, so readers can skim over the choices without actually reading them. I've only included one episode per show, so it's highly possible that several episodes of high ranking shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Fawlty Towers, and The West Wing could have made it on here. But I want some variety on the list.

Enough mucking around, let's get going.

Honorable Mentions:

"Overcast" - Death Note

Even an evil piece of garbage like Death Note can make a good episode, and "Overcast" pretty much gets everything right. It may have the same disgusting, murder-glorifying overtone as the rest of the series, but "Overcast" puts us directly into the mind of Light Yagami as he tries to kill the one person in the show who truly manages to outsmart him (a woman, no less). He ends up succeeding (guh...), but the process by which he succeeds is very suspenseful, highly engaging, and ultimately quite heartbreaking. The imagery of Death Note is at its most potent and effective, and it's the one episode of the show that I would actually recommend.

"Red Team III" - The Newsroom

The Newsroom is a guilty pleasure of mine, if only because I enjoy Aaron Sorkin's leftist, punchy dialogue. The Newsroom is full of such banter, much like Sorkin's other shows, but it comes at the cost of generally one-note characters whose only purpose is showcasing Sorkin's own ideology about how the news should be conducted (basically MSNBC fused with The Daily Show). Plot-wise, though, "Red Team III" is a highly ambitious episode that pays off in all the right ways. Over the course of the season, ACN News learns about an "Operation Genoa" in which the US military used Sarin gas on enemy combatants, in violation of international law. After a ton of build-up, ACN airs the story, having backed it up with several witness and expert accounts. The Newsroom, however, follows actual American news fairly accurately. Since "Operation Genoa" never happened in real life, it never happened in The Newsroom either. "Red Team III" shows how each witness and expert interviewed to back up "Operation Genoa"'s existence is discredited and how ACN is discredited and crippled. The narrative style is unique, employing interviews between the cast and a lawyer sent to do damage control, while the pay-off from all the build-up is ever so satisfying. If one doesn't like The Newsroom, this might be the one episode one may enjoy.

"Succession" - 30 Rock

30 Rock is an odd TV show. To be honest, it's not laugh-out-loud funny. Nor is it emotionally endearing. But it has enough of both to be rather entertaining overall. My personal favorite episode, "Succession," is probably the silliest episode of the entire show, even considering the lunacy of "Tracy Does Conan." On the one hand, it's a satisfying conclusion to one of the season's main arcs, with a resolution that is at once ridiculous and perfectly placed. On the other, it's a loving parody of Amadeus, with Tracy Jordan's pornographic video game replacing Mozart's music. It's the most on point parody that 30 Rock ever made, and it's the only episode that made me laugh out loud. Well done.

"Murder By the Book" - Columbo

"Murder By the Book" makes this list more for what it represents than what it actually is. Pretty much any episode of Columbo is the same: a reverse whodunit with the audience seeing the murder first and then seeing how the killer is caught. This pilot completely revolutionized the TV detective genre, and several shows follow this formula to a T. Columbo, though, manages to stand out due to its excellent sense of atmosphere and Columbo himself. Certainly, the villain is kind of stereotypical, but Columbo is a TV detective like no other. Unlike a Sherlock Holmes, an Adrian Monk, or a Dale Cooper, he doesn't succeed by sheer genius or overly bizarre methods. He just makes a few observations and dogs the suspects with increasingly annoying questions. It's his persistence combined with an intuition about each case that makes him such a memorable character. He's probably the best TV detective ever, and I enjoy his presence in every episode.

"Jus in Bello" - Supernatural

I find it hard to "feel" anything while watching Supernatural. Perhaps it's because I'm not particularly drawn to either of the Winchester brothers, as neither their characters nor their relationship are particularly new. Nonetheless, I can still enjoy a good episode when I see one, and "Jus in Bello" is a good episode. A demonic siege story (wrap your head around that one), "Jus in Bello" sees Supernatural incorporate strong suspense, rich atmosphere, and subtle character development to create a truly tense experience. Of all the honorable mentions, it's the closest to making the list, but it just falls short enough. 

Number 10

"And the Bag's in the River" - Breaking Bad

So, apparently Breaking Bad is an amazing show, the best show since The Sopranos, the second coming of Shakespeare, a work of genius that will never be surpassed, and all that jazz. I've not watched it all the way through, so I can't make any claims to the contrary. In fact, after watching the first season, I think the show's definitely entertaining and powerful. I can't wait to see how much further Walter White is willing to go, and I've good reason to suspect great things are on the horizons. For 2014, though, the best episode I saw would have to be "And the Bag's in the River," the most tension-filled episode of the first season.

In "And the Bag's in the River," everyone's favorite chemistry teacher turned meth cooker Walter White is just getting his start. In earlier episodes, his operation was threatened by two other drug dealers named Emilio and Krazy-8. Forced to defend himself, White kills Emilio and knocks out Krazy-8 with lethal gas from the meth production process. Walter and his partner, Jesse, then tie up Krazy-8 and keep him in the basement. Thus, they are left with the dilemma of whether or not to kill Krazy-8. The conclusion: Krazy-8 must die. Since Jesse gets the task of decomposing Emilio's body, Walter has to kill Krazy-8. Unlike before, this killing isn't self-defense; it's murder. Thus, throughout most of the episode, Walter White has to work up the nerve to kill a criminal who is willing to kill him in order to escape.

This episode is chiefly a triumph in sound editing. While most shows use music to create tension and peril, "And the Bag's in the River" does just the opposite. The listener hears every minute sound in the room, for there's no music to get in the way. From Walter's footsteps to the shattering of a plate to Krazy-8 eating the last sandwich of his life, there's a real attention to detail. It's almost a sense-by-sense retelling of Krazy-8's death from his perspective, even though we look at it through the eyes of the killer. It's also the episode in which Walter White starts to come to terms with his terminal lung cancer, as he discusses his problems with Krazy-8 in order to numb the inevitable. The ending of this episode is extremely potent, so I'll try not to spoil it. Let's just say that all the suspense has a fantastic pay-off. Throw in a great Bryan Cranston performance, and you've got a solid hour of television.

Number 9

"Not Fade Away" - Angel

I will not be doing a ranking of the seasons of Angel like I did for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, seeing as there are only five of them and they're not nearly as good as those of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (for the über-Wedonites out there... 5-2-3-4-1, in descending order of quality). Angel benefits from having David Boreanaz stretch his muscles as an actor, having had to play it pretty safe with his role as Buffy's boyfriend on the parent show. At the same time, it is definitely a harder show to get into than Buffy, as the first season's lack of direction makes the viewing experience kind of a drag. Fortunately, Seasons 2-4 have a better sense of plot as well as a more rounded sense of character. By Season 5, by far Angel's season, we had a cast that we truly cared about as well as a perfect set-up for some truly excellent episodes. I was kind of stuck between three choices for this spot. First: "Smile Time," Angel's response to "Once More, with Feeling" and other comedy-within-drama episodes. I'm not spoiling anything, but let's just say it's one hell of a laugh. Second: "A Hole in the World," perhaps the most emotionally traumatizing... thing Joss Whedon has ever created. (Yes, this is even worse than Buffy the Vampire Slayer's "The Body.") Ultimately, I sided with Angel's practically perfect finale, "Not Fade Away." Buddy Holly references aside, this episode doesn't let up.

Most of Angel is framed around a miniature war between Angel's allies and the evil law firm, Wolfram and Hart. In the fifth season, Wolfram and Hart actually hires Angel and co., hoping to corrupt them. Angel and his allies decide to take the offer, using Wolfram and Hart's vast resources to help people instead of hurting them. By the end of the season, it appears as if Wolfram and Hart has succeeded in corrupting Angel, only or him to reveal that he is putting up a front in order to eliminate Wolfram and Hart's most powerful members: the Circle of the Black Thorn.

"Not Fade Away" is pretty much a montage of our characters' last day before facing the members of the Circle. They think, correctly in some cases, that it will be the last day of their lives. Thus, we see what each one of them does. Angel goes and spends time with his estranged son. Gunn, the muscle of the group, donates his time to a homeless shelter in his old neighborhood. Lorne, the empath, sings karaoke, his passion. Lindsey, a villain turned hero within the course of one episode, sleeps with his girlfriend. Spike, the punk vampire who makes a dramatic return after the events of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, spends his time drinking and reciting slam poetry from the 1800s. And Wesley, the brains of the group... we'll talk about later.

Unlike most Whedon episodes, there's very little of his traditional "verbal nouniness" to be had. Nearly all the emotions shown in this episode are simple and genuine; they are communicated as such. No longer is there time for games. This is the end. The writing sets up each miniature story excellently, and the segues from the last day to the battles are just perfect. The battles themselves are very satisfying, with special mention to Gunn killing a corrupt senator with a hilariously timed axe to the face. Maybe it's just the current political stalemate, but there's something so ludicrous about that scene as to make me crack up. Not a single moment of the episode is wasted.

And then there's Wesley... oh God, Wesley.

For those who didn't read my Buffy countdown or watch the show, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce is a minor character in the Buffy universe, initially played for comic relief, who transitions over to Angel. Over the course of the show, he develops into quite possibly the best character in the entire Whedonverse. The only person who could possibly challenge him is Buffy Summers herself, and she'd only win the battle on grounds of pop culture relevance. I'd be hard pressed to find TV characters with better characterization and growth than Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. Over the course of five seasons, he transforms from a timid, arrogant, and lovable doofus into a confident, caring, and lovable badass. He is by far my favorite character in the show, and he dies in this episode.

Out of all the characters, Wesley doesn't have anything to live for on the last day before the battle. For, earlier in the season, the love of his life, Fred Burkle, dies. Scratch that: her soul is annihilated. She is in neither heaven nor hell. She is gone. All Wesley is left with is a demon inhabiting Fred's body named Illyria. Instead of having fun or treasuring loved ones, Wesley is left with Illyria, who offers to pretend to be Fred for him. Wesley rejects this offer, as doing so would be lying to himself and Fred's memory. He is left inconsolable. In his fight with the Circle member, Wesley gives his life, as he has truly nothing to lose. At the last moment, Illyria comes to save him, only for him to be fatally wounded. In his last moments, Wesley asks to be lied to, getting to see a memory of Fred right before he passes away.

Wesley's death is probably what secures "Not Fade Away" a spot on this list. Illyria-Fred's last words to Wesley are that "they'll be together." Yet the audience and Illyria both know that this is a lie. Fred is gone, literally wiped out of existence. Unlike every other person in the universe, Wesley can never find perfect happiness in heaven, as Fred is not there to greet him. While this theological paradox might be of some concern to Judeo-Christians, it just reveals a greater truth about the Whedonverse as a whole: there really are no perfectly happy endings. Wesley may have lived a complete life devoted to helping others, but he isn't necessarily going to be rewarded for it, even in death. While Wesley's death isn't the most "tragic" event on this list (join me at number seven for that one), it's definitely the saddest. The emotion combined with the metaphysical revelation just hits in all the right spots.

"Not Fade Away" is an end to a good show, a great season, and an amazing character. What more could a viewer ask for?

Well, whatever is in the top eight episodes, I guess.

Number 8

"Chapter 1" - House of Cards

Just as picking an episode of Angel was difficult, the same held for House of Cards, now one of my ten favorite TV shows ever. Yet, unlike a show like Lost, House of Cards is definitely a show that excels as the sum of its parts rather than any of the parts themselves. I don't think there is a bad episode of House of Cards, but it's kind of hard for them to stand-out when so many incredible moments happen within them. So, I decided to cash in my chips while I was ahead and pick the excellent pilot episode.

Frank Underwood is the majority-whip of Congress, an ambitious man who has been promised the position of Secretary of State by the President-elect, whom Underwood helped get into office. Unfortunately for Frank, the President decides to pass him over, as he needs Underwood's experience in Congress to pass other bills. Infuriated, Frank Underwood launches a complex scheme to humiliate the President for his choice. Along the way, he capitalizes on a sex scandal perpetrated by a less experienced Congressman, Peter Russo, rescuing him in exchange for political loyalty. Underwood also feeds information to an up-and-coming reporter, Zoe Barnes, in order to gain allies in the press. As all the conspiracy comes to a head in the next episode, the audience is left on pins and needles as we see just how vicious the political process can be.

"Chapter 1"'s brilliance can be summed up in two words: Kevin Spacey. Little else need be said. Underwood is absolutely perfect as a South Carolina senator (insert your own Civil War joke here) intent upon eliminating every political foe in his way. By now, his infamous fourth-wall breaking has permeated the Internet on every level. And rightfully so: the speeches are excellently written and marvelously entertaining. It's just incredible to see how many famous autocrats and autocratic philosophers Underwood manages to channel: Appius Claudius, Machiavelli, Thomas Hobbes. He just doesn't let up. But Underwood adds a viciousness to the political philosophy that makes it all the more threatening. There's a predatory nature to his speeches, as if he's a hungry animal looking for a kill. Indeed, his very first speech to the audience occurs while he is euthanizing a dog. That's a truly fantastic set-up.

Unlike Light Yagami, Frank Underwood is a likeable villain and an antagonist we can respect. The show is fully aware that Underwood is doing terrible things, and the lighting and music indicates this. There seems to be the slightest grey filter over the entire show, as the natural light of the sun seems to be dimmed through Congress's windows. There's a tremendous feeling that something sick is at work in Washington, a sickness that gets worse and worse as the series continues. Since we are not made to side with the villain, we are more able to enjoy him as an antagonist. Instead of being forced to love the antagonist, we naturally "love to hate" him. Thus, Frank Underwood is fifteen times more compelling than Light Yagami could ever be.

If one isn't a fan of politics, one isn't likely to enjoy House of Cards. But, if one is, there is no reason one should pass this show up. I would wholly endorse buying Netflix just for House of Cards, and "Chapter 1" is a great distillation of what makes the show so great.

Number 7


"Night of the Chimera's Cry" - Fullmetal Alchemist

When identifying the Seven Social Sins, Mahatma Gandhi included "science without humanity." If there's any episode of television that examines this social ill, it's Fullmetal Alchemist's "Night of the Chimera's Cry." Quite possibly the most disturbing entry on the entire list, it's a chilling exploration of just what happens when mankind defies what is morally acceptable in the name of science. Should one choose to extend the metaphor or not, one thing can be agreed: this episode is fraught with horror.

Fullmetal Alchemist follows the two Elric brothers, Edward and Alphonse, as they try to uncover the secrets of the Philosopher's Stone. The two want to use the stone to restore their bodies, destroyed in a massive alchemical catastrophe. How did this catastrophe transpire? Well, Edward and Alphonse performed the ultimate alchemical sin and tried to bring their mother back from the dead. In order to get their bodies back, they need the resources of the state, which has a monopoly on alchemy research.

In the preceding episode, "The Alchemy Exam," Edward and Alphonse end up lodging with Shou Tucker, a highly respected state alchemist known for his work with chimeras. These chimeras are animals alchemically bound together to create a totally new creature. Basically, Tucker is PETA's worst nightmare. Remember: chimeras are not considered unethical in the FMA universe, so Tucker comes across as a rather ordinary person. He's an essentially kind man who does whatever he can to protect Edward and Alphonse but even more to protect the well-being of his daughter, Nina. Nina is perhaps one of the best written children in animated history, as she genuinely feels like a little girl. "The Alchemy Exam" firmly establishes the relationship between the Elrics and the Tuckers, with the two brothers growing to respect Shou and adore Nina. In many ways, "The Alchemy Exam" is the most heartwarming episode of the entire series, what with Edward and Alphonse triumphantly passing their exam and Nina and Shou being ready to congratulate them.

"Night of the Chimera's Cry" is a gigantic U-turn. The episode begins with Shou looking remarkably grim. He is up for evaluation, and if he does not present a truly astounding chimera to the alchemy board, he will lose his state certification and his livelihood. Shou knows what it is like to live on the streets, impoverished, and he is not willing to let his daughter or himself live like that. With his wife having left him two years prior because of his poverty, he does not want to repeat the same mistake. Edward and Alphonse, however, are certain that Shou can make the deadline. After all, two years ago, Tucker managed to produce a chimera with the ability to understand human speech. A person of his talents should certainly be able to replicate his results.

But Edward begins noticing Shou's increasingly erratic behavior. He tracks down information on Shou's first chimera, learning that it only spoke one phrase: "I want to die." Edward also learns that a serial killer has been murdering women, particularly mothers, throughout the city. Suspicious, Edward and Alphonse track Shou to his secret laboratory, with the audience suspecting that he is the mystery killer. The horrifying conclusion makes the audience wish this were the case. Edward and Alphonse discover that Shou has created a new chimera that can talk. Nina and her dog are both missing.

Shou Tucker has fused his own daughter into a chimera.

The scariest thing about the episode is Tucker's rationale behind his decision. For Shou does not murder his daughter in order to save her or himself from poverty. He does not do so out of fear for his life. He murders his daughter because he wanted to see what kind of chimera he could create. In essence, he murders his daughter because he can. For science. Edward and Alphonse almost beat Tucker to death, only for them to recoil when he claims that what they tried to do to their mother is no different. The sheer shock of the moment leaves the audience stunned, as we cannot believe that anyone could do something so horrible.

Tucker is apprehended and one thinks the episode would end on a bleak note. But "Night of the Chimera's Cry" manages to get even more depressing. The Nina-dog chimera escapes government custody and heads into a back alley. She encounters a scarred man whom we have seen earlier in the episode. He senses what has happened to Nina and euthanizes her. Even worse, he does it by alchemically decomposing her, reducing her to the basic essences of matter. By the time Edward and Alphonse arrive, all that is left is a pile of chemical dust and ash.

"Night of the Chimera's Cry" is an episode so disturbing and terrifying that it is bound to leave an impact. Only an antisocial psychopath couldn't feel at least something after watching this truly traumatizing episode. The art is graphic without being gory, with the contorted bodies of failed chimeras and the blood stains on city streets telling the story without us actually having to see anything particularly gruesome. But the suggestion of the violence ends up being far scarier than anything that could actually have been shown to us. Indeed, this is a huge reason why "Night of the Chimera's Cry" is a resounding success while a show like Death Note is a morbid piece of crap.

Perhaps the episode's greatest triumph is its use of misdirection and parallels. For most of the episode, Shou is animated with the same timid facial designs seen in "The Alchemy Exam," so we don't have reason to suspect his cruelty. Furthermore, the insertion of the serial killer plot line makes us think Shou is guilty of a different deplorable crime, but a deplorable crime that we can at least understand. At the same time, the deplorable act of Edward and Alphonse returns to haunt them, as Nina's death so closely parallels their trying to bring their mother back to life. There are plenty of clever lighting cues, complemented by some masterfully drawn backgrounds, to further complement the episode's strong points.

Come Fullmetal Alchemist's end, "Night of the Chimera's Cry" has very little to do with the overall plot. Nonetheless, it remains the show's best episode because of the truly insightful questions it asks. The episode doesn't go so far as to say all practices that compromise lives for sake of science or mercy - such as stem cell research or euthanasia - are unethical, but there is a clear suggestion that some ethical line exists in our world as well as the animated one. The show offers no clear answers, just as our world does not. It's a grim portrayal of our reality as fantasy, a world of the morally deplorable within the morally grey. It's considered one of the greatest anime episodes ever for good reason.

Number 6

"Two Cathedrals" - The West Wing

If The Newsroom is too disgustingly leftist and sexist for your tastes, then turning to Aaron Sorkin's masterful The West Wing is probably a good fix. While it's certainly leftist, its characters are better developed, the writing is snappier, and the themes aren't as insulting. Hell, it's even more fair and balanced than The Newsroom. It's one of those shows that the politically minded cannot possibly pass up. But, being honest, I can find its flaws. At its core, The West Wing is a dramatized version of The Daily Show with more jargon and fewer jokes. It's not to say that it's a bad show, but how could this show possibly make me feel something?

Leave it to "Two Cathedrals" to tear every fan of the show to pieces.

The West Wing is a show about the Josiah Bartlett administration, struggling to surmount the various difficulties that come with running the executive branch of the US government. Our characters must take on a vast variety of problems - intractable opponents in the Senate, greedy lobbyists, obstinate foreign ministers, paralyzing TV gaffes - every day. Not helping this is the fact that President Josiah Bartlett has multiple sclerosis and has hidden this fact throughout his initial campaign for President. In the middle of Season 2, the truth comes forward and the Bartlett administration is cast in doubt. Making matters worse, Mrs. Landingham, President Bartlett's personal secretary, dies in a car accident.

"Two Cathedrals," the finale of Season 2, is the episode in which all these matters are brought into focus. In the wake of Mrs. Landingham's death, Bartlett has a crisis of faith, becoming unsure of whether or not he can win re-election due to the press's misconstruing of his condition and the incredibly volatile political atmosphere that has been building throughout the season. After Mrs. Landingham's funeral, he bursts out into a tirade against God, an especially dramatic moment considering that Bartlett is a devout Catholic who would never do this. But President Bartlett goes beyond that: he curses and spites God, with his speech bursting out into Latin. For those viewers who don't understand Latin or need to see it visually in order to translate it (I'm the latter of these), Martin Sheen manages to convey the power of the words in spite of the translation gap. In fact, the use of Latin manages to make the speech even more powerful, as he is denouncing God in the Catholic Church's preferred tongue. At the end of the speech, he grinds a cigarette into the floor and renounces his intention to run for re-election.

This scene manages to ask one of the biggest questions as to the existence of the Judeo-Christian-Islamic God: why do bad things happen to good people? The Bible has its own answer to this, the Book of Job, but that answer is deeply unsatisfying. God's (abbreviated) answer? "Look, were you around when I made the world? Just take your lot and accept it." Nowadays, this idea has been distilled down to the phrase, "The Lord works in mysterious ways," but such a Hallmark-patented sentence fails to satisfy philosophers and, even more important, those good people who are affected by tragedy. Given today's secularist culture, the main response people seem to take with regards to this question is that the Judeo-Christian-Islamic God must not exist; that's the conclusion this episode seems to take. But, likely due to my faith as a Catholic and as a fan of The West Wing, I think the show manages to say something deeper.

To me, "Two Cathedrals" is really a question about faith and conviction. Throughout the episode, we learn how President Bartlett and Mrs. Landingham met: she was once the secretary of Bartlett's father at Bartlett's Catholic school. Mrs. Landingham discovers that women are being paid less in the school than men, and she asks Bartlett to confront his father, since he won't take her word for it. Though Bartlett feigns aloofness, he decides to do what is right and challenge his father, in spite of the fact that his father could and does hit him. In spite of the hardships we face, the convictions driving us prove more compelling. At the episode's conclusion, Mrs. Landingham's spirit appears before President Bartlett and confronts him about his decision not to run again. As she did once before, she challenges him to do what he thinks is right as opposed to what is easy. President Bartlett responds by using the same physical mannerisms he used back in the past to announce that he will run again, in spite of his multiple sclerosis and his crisis of faith. It's a subtle answer to the question of faith. Certainly, the trials are absolutely heartbreaking, but they come as a test to our character.

"Two Cathedrals" often gets hailed for its cinematic scope and quality, yet its real triumph is its remarkably subtle characterization and theming. The masterful performance of Martin Sheen is 100% appreciated in this episode, as he gives a performance that deserves commemoration in a television Hall of Fame. The rest of the ensemble cast, as usual, is excellent. Add in a brilliant ending set to the Dire Straits' "Brothers in Arms," and you've got one of the most legendary season finales in television history. Indeed, if there's any one flaw to the episode, it's the finality of it. Rather than acting as a masterful episode in and of itself, "Two Cathedrals" just feels like the satisfactory completion of several story arcs. There's certainly nothing wrong with this, but, as far as the conditions of the list are concerned, I think the top five manage to edge it out just a little bit.

Number 5

"Blink" - Doctor Who

Before Steve Moffat started ruining Doctor Who with convoluted plot lines that serve only to confuse the audience, he was pushing the science fiction series to the most creative it had been in decades. "Blink" is undoubtedly his magnum opus and the best episode of the latest generation of Doctor Who, in spite of it barely having the Doctor in it. Though "Blink" is neither particularly complex nor subtle, it is an episode so undeniably entertaining as to make this list instantly. The excellent pacing complemented by the sharp writing and even sharper presentation make for one thrill ride of an episode. Indeed, it's an episode so good that it doesn't even need to be a Doctor Who episode. "Blink" could just be an episode in a sci-fi anthology series, and it would still work.  

Sally Sparrow is an avatar, I mean, run-of-the-mill Brit taking photographs of some statues in an abandoned house when she starts to receive mysterious messages from the Doctor, the show's hero. She brings along a friend to investigate, only for the friend to mysteriously disappear. Moments later, a letter arrives revealing that Sally's friend was warped back in time and lived out her natural life. Frightened by the experience, Sally's worries only increase as the Doctor continues to send her cryptic information.  As it turns out, he and his companion have been trapped back in time as well, and they need their Time And Relative Dimension in Space (TARDIS) to get back. The ones responsible for all this time warping madness: the statues Sally was photographing earlier, the Weeping Angels.

The Weeping Angels are some of the best science fiction monsters ever created, second only to Doctor Who's very own Daleks in terms of brilliance. The Weeping Angels feed on potential energy, so they send organisms back in time in order to feed on the lives they would have had in the future. At the same time, the Angels are "quantum locked": they have concrete form while they are being observed. While this is, undoubtedly, a perversion of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, it's a variation so clever in its design that it creates some truly suspenseful moments. The slightest look away from a Weeping Angel leaves one susceptible to its attacks. Blinking but once can kill.

It is up to Sparrow to send the TARDIS back to the Doctor, and the thrill-ride that ensues makes for some truly fantastic television. The episode has an excellent sense of escalation, knowing right where to push up the adrenaline. While I don't find this episode "scary" in the same ways most people online seem to think (go up to the top pick to see something truly terrifying), it certainly does get the heart racing. It's the basic Hitchcock principle of suspense: if one puts an armed bomb into the room, the suspense comes not from the bomb's impact, but when the bomb's impact arrives. "Blink" capitalizes on this theory completely, knowing right when to apply and relax tension. While Sally Sparrow is essentially a blank slate, she is the quintessential concept of the audience avatar done right. Moffat and the other writers understood that this premise was the main selling point of the episode, and the key way for it to work was to put the audience into the shoes of the protagonist. Thus, a tabula rasa is the perfect form of execution.

But what really sets "Blink" apart from other great Doctor Who episodes are all the bells and whistles. The close-ups on the Weeping Angels' faces does provide for some truly unsettling images. Even better are the close-ups on those people who, in the end, capitulate to the desire to blink: the camera perfectly captures the sense of resignation the Angels' victims have. Much of the lighting in this episode toys with the Heisenberg principle on which the Angels operate, taking cues from early stop-motion to throw the viewer off-kilter. The set design further complements this, as windows provide just the right amount of lighting to keep the viewer slightly out of the loop as to what could be lying in wait. Even the Weeping Angels' design is great, with the statues looking like God's despondent servants in one second to truly demonic monsters in the next. I'm not sure if they were statues, plastic models, or even people in costume, but whoever set them up deserves an award.

"Blink" is a great romp from start to finish. It might not be as subtle or dark as the preceding two entries, but it will undoubtedly leave the viewer more engaged. It's not possible to tear one's eyes from the screen while watching this episode. One won't even want to blink. 

Number 4

"The Germans" - Fawlty Towers

They couldn't all be dramas, could they? Of course not. Fawlty Towers is one of the best comedy shows ever made, packing more humor into each episode than can be found in entire seasons of The Simpsons or Saturday Night Live. The only other show that has this much satire in it is All in the Family, a show I consider to be the greatest ever made. Indeed, I'd go so far as to call Fawlty Towers the British equivalent to All in the Family, in that it is a sitcom that pushed the boundaries of just how far sitcom comedy could go. I can't remember the last time I laughed as hard at an episode of television as I did at "The Germans," and it's one of those half-hours of my life that I consider well spent.

The arrogant, middle-class Basil Fawlty and his preening wife Sybil run Fawlty Towers, a subpar hotel with a staff that either doesn't understand English or doesn't bother to take time to help the customers. Making matters worse, Basil is constantly trying to increase the reputation of his hotel by instituting "upper-class" policies and alienating his staff and guests. His plans invariably fail, but the audience gets in a good laugh along the way. "The Germans," however, is an episode in which the formula is actually changed. Sybil has to go to the hospital in order to settle an in-grown toe nail, leaving Basil to run the hotel by himself. This time, though, he manages to fail due to matters of miscommunication and verbal humor rather than his usual hijinks. In the midst of this fray, he manages to get a severe concussion, forcing him to go to the hospital. Determined to do his job, Basil returns from the hospital while a group of Germans are staying at the hotel. Still suffering from his concussion, Basil serves the Germans while trying not to discuss WWII. The above image is a perfect distillation of how well that plan goes.

The excellence of "The Germans" is in the humor. One cannot find a snappier collection of jokes in any current American sitcom. The jokes are so varied, rapid, and overall excellent that one is guaranteed to be in stitches. Sure, there's the classic verbal humor of the British comedic legacy, but there's plenty of vaudeville-esque slapstick in here too. If one subscribes to the "comedy as suffering" theory, there's plenty of suffering to be had, on all sides of the show. There are impressions, puns, one-liners, funny accents: everything works.

The satire is especially on-point. Even in 1975, Britons were still criticizing the German people for the bombings of WWII, singling them out as a nation as opposed to rightly blaming the Nazis. This same warped sense of nationalism is what led to the first world war in the first place! Thus, John Cleese's traipsing around the room spouting prejudiced comments is the perfect criticism of those Britons who just didn't get over the national barriers. The very best satire manages to use dumbest possible comedy in order to communicate the smartest possible critique of a problem; Basil Fawlty's goose stepping around the room is this paradigm to a T.

"The Germans" is the funniest episode of television I've seen all year. That's got to count for omething. Also, this is the only episode on this list in which no one dies... gosh, this list is even more grim than I thought.

Number 3



"Time Enough at Last" - The Twilight Zone

This is a big one. I'd listened to the audiodrama of "Time Enough at Last" prior to 2014, but I'd never actually gotten the chance to sit down and watch the episode all the way through. Thanks to Netflix, I could. And, boy, it's earned its reputation as one of the best episodes of television ever made for good reason.

The plot of "Time Enough at Last" is pretty well known, including its infamous twist. Henry Bemis is a bank teller who just wants to read, but his bosses and wife just won't afford him the chance. Distraught, he ends up going into the vault of his bank in order to read. While in there, he ends up as the sole survivor of a nuclear attack. After learning that everyone else is dead, he falls into despair and tries to kill himself. That is, before he realizes that most of the books survived the attack and that he has enough food to last a lifetime. He decides to set up a little library for himself and spend the rest of his life reading, only for him to break his glasses and forever lose the ability to read. Life's cruel that way.

This episode has been analyzed to death, but I don't think the Internet has really taken enough time to really analyze the most important theme: the cost of anti-intellectualism to our society. Henry Bemis is written off as "a reader," but he's not just reading to read. He's trying to read the great works of the West - Dickens, Shaw, Shakespeare - and truly enjoy them. Every other person in the story lives his/her life by the clock, not taking time to read. Ultimately, Bemis proves triumphant over the naysayers by literally outliving them. Yet he too falls to the hand of the clock, as his glasses break and all he has left is time. For it's also apparent that Bemis himself is not much of an intellectual. While reading David Copperfield, he's only able to draw attention to the names of the characters and their sound rather than the significance of these characters to either the narrative at work or the broader contextual themes. He reads, but he doesn't take the time to process what he is reading. In short, if Henry Bemis is the best intellectual we have, then we are already lost. Him losing his glasses is just the final punishment for humanity for abandoning literature and the arts.

...making it slightly hypocritical that this story be best known as a television episode rather than a book... perhaps we already are doomed.

Number 2

"Passion" - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I talked about "Passion" briefly in my countdown of the best seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but this masterpiece of television deserves a more thorough review. While "Once More, with Feeling," "The Body," and "Hush" might have more critical acclaim and while "Becoming," "Graduation Day," and "The Gift" are all spectacular season finales, "Passion" is as good an episode of television as one is going to find in pretty much any show. It's Buffy the Vampire Slayer at its darkest, subtlest, most poignant, and most horrific.

Prior to this episode, Buffy Summers has accidentally exorcised the soul of her vampire boyfriend, Angel, turning him back into the murderous demon, Angelus. Reluctant to kill him, she lets him live to fight another day. "Passion" is the episode in which this decision comes back to bite Buffy and her friends. Angelus begins stalking Buffy and her friends, drawing pictures of them in their sleep and killing their goldfish (no jokes here). Buffy and her friends manage to cast a spell that prevents Angelus from entering their homes, but he reveals just how Buffy exorcised his soul: having sex with Angel. This comes as quite a shock to Buffy's mother, who has a pleasantly non-condescending discussion with her daughter about the matter that's actually quite compelling. All this would be enough to make "Passion" a fairly good episode of the show.

Then things get cruel.

Jenny Calendar, a long-time friend of Buffy and romantic partner to Buffy's mentor, Giles, discovers a way to re-ensoul Angelus. She stores the information on a floppy disc (ah, the 90s), but Angelus breaks into her room and destroys most every copy of the information available. What follows is a thrilling chase scene throughout the high school, as Angelus tracks Jenny down and breaks her neck. The vampire then places Jenny in Giles's bed, all the while suggesting that she is still alive. While Buffy and her friends begin to grieve, they realize that Giles has decided to take matters into his own hands and kill Angelus himself. What ensues is the most brutal emotional and physical battle in Buffy the Vampire Slayer history.

With the existence such famous episodes under its belt as "The Body" and "Once More, with Feeling," why is "Passion" the best episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? The simplest reason is the precedent: no episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer had effectively dealt with death prior to this. Even more important, no other episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer dealt with grief before, and no other episode managed to deal with it better. While other major characters died over the course of the show, said deaths were always inevitable. In the case of "Passion," the tragedy could have wholly been prevented, and these internal issues of causality must be resolved. There's a sense of failed responsibility. It's easily the most mature exploration of violence and death in any Joss Whedon show.

What makes the violence and death of "Passion" more compelling than the violence of "Night of the Chimera's Cry" and the death of "Two Cathedrals" is the sexual/romantic edge to it. Jenny's death and the reveal of her corpse have a disturbing elegance to them that is truly unsettling. When Angelus snaps Jenny's neck, it's practically a climax for him. Likewise, Giles discovers Jenny's body after Angelus leaves a trail of rose petals leading to the corpse on the bed, alluding to the sex Jenny and Giles were planning to have earlier in the episode. While the science-based death of "Night of the Chimera's Cry" is certainly shocking, I think the death in "Passion" is a bit more harrowing. Passion and love are supposed to be good things, while science is, by nature, a straightforward process whose morality is dependent on the user. Thus, while "Night of the Chimera's Cry" merely presents a morbid narrative, "Passion" inverts a romantic narrative and transforms it into a morbid narrative. It's doing more and asks deeper questions.

Both the direction and writing of "Passion" are spectacular. Michael Gershman pushes both the camera and shadows of Buffy the Vampire Slayer to their greatest extremes, with special mentions to both the death of Jenny and Giles's attack on Angelus's compound. There's a sense of claustrophobia throughout the episode, as if there is nowhere to run from both the physical and emotional threat. The Whedon-isms are as snappy as ever. The conversations are remarkably frank and genuine. Perhaps the greatest written achievement is the monologue about the nature of passion that is laced throughout the episode. Most of the time, we believe it to be a threatening monologue from Angelus to Buffy and her friends, as if he is commenting on the passions that have dominated their lives. Yet, at the very end of the episode, there's a tone of melancholy that pierces into David Boreanaz's narration, as if Angel has returned and is now commenting on the story in retrospect. The ambiguity of the monologue makes it the most effective piece of writing on the show.

"Passion" is just about as good as an episode of television could possibly be. It's got excellent writing, superb direction, powerful acting, tight camera, brilliant atmosphere: it's the whole package. As I said before, "Passion" = perfect.


NUMBER 1

"Episode 207"/"Lonely Souls" - Twin Peaks

Let's be clear. To beat an episode like "Passion," an episode has to be either a game-changer for TV to come ("Lucy Does a TV Commercial," "Chuckles Bites the Dust," "The Contest") or a masterpiece episode with art film caliber direction. "Lonely Souls" from David Lynch's Twin Peaks manages to be both. 

Hoo boy. This episode. This episode.

Twin Peaks is a show about the murder of high school prom queen Laura Palmer. When Detective Dale Cooper is called in to investigate the death, he uncovers that nearly everyone in the town is, in some way, tied into the death. No one is lacking a skeleton in the closet. Yet Twin Peaks is not just a cop drama; it's a supernatural thriller. It becomes clear that Twin Peaks is haunted by a demon of pure evil known as "Killer BOB"; BOB is a serial murderer and rapist that has haunted the Twin Peaks region for years, possessing people and making them perform acts they themselves would be horrified to do. The great question is: who has BOB possessed? "Lonely Souls" is the episode in which we find this out.

As with most episodes of Twin Peaks, "Lonely Souls" mostly focuses on Detective Cooper and his discoveries. In "Lonely Souls," he finds the one clue that has eluded him throughout the entire investigation: Laura Palmer's secret diary. The diary ends up implicating the most powerful businessman in Twin Peaks - Ben Horne - confirming Cooper's suspicion that the businessman is BOB's human host. They arrest Ben, and we believe the case to be solved. Everyone returns to the Twin Peaks' bar, One-Eyed Jacks, and watches Julee Cruise perform a song, only for a giant to appear, a figure commonly associated with death throughout the show, and claim that "it is happening again." We then discover who BOB's real host is. And the revelation breaks our hearts. I will not dare spoil this secret, but it is the very person we least want to be BOB's host.

"Lonely Souls" is ranked number one because of the final five minutes of the episode alone. This seems like a shallow reason, but these five minutes are quite possibly the most realistic and terrifying depiction of domestic violence, sexual assault, and murder in TV history. BOB's host tracks down his most recent victim and begins chasing her around the room, pursuing her in a circle. He grabs her and spins her around, kissing her as if he was a perverted animal. Time speeds up and slows down throughout the sequence, with both the murderer and victim becoming more and more inhuman throughout. Simultaneously, the camera flashes between showing BOB and the host committing the act, blurring our perception of reality and surreality. Finally, BOB kills his victim not by stabbing her and letting out inhuman amounts of blood or snapping her neck in an overly dramatized death scene. No, the victim's death is simultaneously banal and terrifying: BOB smashes her head into a picture frame, causing her to hemorrhage to death. As the victim dies, we close on the bar, with Cooper realizing that he has let another person die on his watch.

The last five minutes of "Lonely Souls" are simultaneously the most frightening and artistically accomplished minutes of television I have ever seen. As BOB wheels his victim around the room, we are reminded of the often cyclical nature of domestic violence, as some victims, out of either fear or love, let their abusers continue to abuse them. At the same time, it could be a suggestion that repeat offenses are far more frequent and terrifying in the case of sexual crimes, as they are so often ignored by the public and the police force. As time speeds up and slows down, we are reminded of the horror both from an outside and inside perspective, as the sexual violence seems to last forever for the victim, but all too short for the perpetrator. The lighting is haunting and disturbing, almost blinding in its brightness. We are looking upon the act as if we were angels, haunted by the horrors of mankind. Of course, all these ideas take on a double meaning given the knowledge of who is committing the act, as e see the relevance of all these ideas to the plot, and, more importantly, exactly what happened to Laura.

As with every episode of Twin Peaks, the writing and ambience are fantastic. The viewer constantly feels unsettled by the environment, constantly looking on in fear. The acting is superb, never over the top and never too understated. The characters are vibrant and engaging. The camera work is some of the most experimental and spectacular in television history. "Lonely Souls" is the rare episode of television that is both a masterpiece in and of itself and a game changer for other TV shows to follow. Twin Peaks and "Lonely Souls" managed to influence practically every police drama and supernatural series to follow it, and we still feel its influence today. "Lonely Souls" is the best television episode I saw this year.

It is with great joy and fear that I can say "it is happening again."


Friday, December 26, 2014

Movie Review #20: Into the Woods

Into the Woods (2014)
Director: Rob Marshall
Writer(s): James Lapine, Stephen Sondheim
Starring: Meryl Streep, Emily Blunt, Anna Kendrick

Disney's Into the Woods is DISNEY'S Into the Woods. That could be a review in and of itself.

OK, a little more context is necessary. If one could not tell from Rodgers and Hammersmonth, I'm a bit of a musical theatre nut. To an even greater degree, I'm a movie musical nut. I consider the musical to be a form of film as important to its development as is the tragicomedy to stage plays or as the bildungsroman is to novels. I'm also very much a traditionalist in this route: I want dance numbers with artistry in mind, I want voices with natural vibrato and ring, I want consistent set pieces. But, ever since 2002's Chicago, the movie musical has taken a rather dark turn, in my book. Unless original Disney animation is involved, movie musicals have become stage musicals trimmed back with no thought to theme, pacing, or character development. They are, as Roger Ebert once put it, "songs connected by a story" instead of "story connected by songs." Into the Woods is another film right down that line, and it's one of the most disappointing movie going experiences I've had this year. A great deal of my rage comes from my feelings towards the original and the flaws of adaptation, but there are too many flaws in this movie to give it a pass.

Into the Woods is mostly a combination of the stories of "Jack and the Beanstalk" and "Cinderella." A witch casts a curse of infertility upon a baker and his wife after the baker's father steals some of her magic beans. In order to get the curse lifted, the baker and his wife need to retrieve "a cow as white as milk, a cape as red as blood, hair as yellow as corn, and a shoe as pure as gold." Along the way, the baker and his wife encounter Little Red Riding Hood, Jack, Cinderella, and the respective side characters from each story. By the end of the musical's first act (the film's first hour and a quarter), they manage to get the curse lifted. Yet, in the second act, the wife of Jack's giant, killed in the first act, comes down to wreak vengeance upon the characters of the story. Many fairytale characters who normally end up living "happily ever afters" end up dead. It soon falls to the baker, his wife, Jack, Little Red Riding Hood, and Cinderella to kill the giant or turn on each other in a morally ambiguous plot.

The narrative of Into the Woods is incredibly intricate but very easy to follow, in both the film and the original Sondheim musical. Fans of the original will note that many, many elements from the original musical have been cut or altered, nearly all of which are to the film's detriment. Some characters who die in the musical do not die in the film, crushing the opportunities for character development and theming that result from these deaths. Perhaps the biggest and most devastating change is the substitution of the baker for the narrator, who is a character in the original musical; while this seems like a minor change, it drastically reduces Into the Woods's impact as an incisive criticism of determinism and fairy tales as fate. I'll discuss this in greater detail, but the narrator's importance to Into the Woods cannot be understated. In many ways, it is essential to understanding just what makes the original show so great. At the basest level, Into the Woods remains coherent and focused with the cuts, even if it loses much of its depth.

I'll try to be more objective and discuss exactly what Into the Woods gets right. For one, the sound mixing is excellent; the instruments are perfectly set to complement the vocals. While this should be an obvious thing to do, I've seen more than a few movie musicals fail to keep their dynamics in check. The costume design is also spectacular. The cinematography is quite nice in many scenes. The film looks fantastic; the little bits of color shading really make everything pop. This is what Into the Woods needed to be, visually. By far the best element of the film is Emily Blunt as the Baker's Wife. She is the one performer in the show who goes above and beyond the call of the libretto and gives us more than what we are looking for. Her confidence in both her maternity and her sexuality lends her part a real credibility that's lacking in most of the other performances. Her comedy is great. She is a joy every second she is on the screen. Also good are Johnny Depp and Chris Pine as the lecherous Big Bad Wolf and Prince Charming, respectively; they might chew the scenery a bit much, but the roles call for it. Daniel Huttlestone is a half-decent Jack as well.

Then there's the bad.

James Cordren is a likeable actor in most everything he is in, but likeability alone is not enough to give his performance as the Baker a pass. The Baker's character needs to struggle morally throughout the show in order to be compelling, and Cordren is not an accomplished enough actor to make the part work. I never believed that he was going through any turmoil, even when he suffers the worst trauma in the show. Lilla Crawford initially displays the innocence needed for Little Red Riding Hood, but she is unable to develop the character any further in the second act. Her "pouty" face is not enough to express the character's sense of growth. Anna Kendrick, one of my personal least favorite actresses, never fails to disappoint me with disappointment; her face is as expressionless as ever, and her singing is awful (she closes the diphthong every time). Her face is blank whenever the camera isn't holding her on close-up, and it seems as if she is totally oblivious to what is going on around her.

Most disappointing of all is Meryl Streep as the Witch. Regardless of how one interprets the character of the Witch in the original show (for the record, I consider the Witch to be Sondheim's critique of exactitude and utilitarianism), one thing is clear: the Witch is certain of her identity. Throughout the movie, I had a very difficult time pinning the Witch down to a clear character due to the spastic, over-the-top nature of Streep's performance. Ham can work in a performance (look at Christopher Walken), but an identity must clearly exist for it to work. Streep's Witch is so inconsistent in what she's trying to be - the apathetic monster of fairytale lore, the over-doting mother, the diva, the utilitarian, the comedienne - that she ends up being nothing. Streep may be giving her all, but there's no role into which she can give it. Thus, she ends up being the cast's weakest link in spite of her being the best actress in the movie.

I find it difficult to pin down the worst part of the movie, as my voice as a musical theatre fan conflicts with my voice as a pure movie critic. Thus, there are two things that emerge as Into the Woods's biggest flaw. The more obvious, movie critic, complaint is that of the terrible pacing. In the original musical, the two acts of the story act as tonally contrasting pieces, one of which is generally lighthearted, one of which is generally dark. The film fails to transition between these two parts; the shift is very abrupt. It's especially agonizing considering how easy a fix could have been made. Into the Woods should have done what most of the great movie musicals - The Sound of Music, Fiddler on the Roof, Carousel - have done and put an intermission card in the middle of the show. This would have prepared the viewers for the change in tone. Sure, it might come as a shock to the modern, Facebook-loving, immediate access audience, but it's the easiest and best solution to the problem at hand.

As a theatre-lover, there's an even bigger sin at work. Into the Woods is heavily reliant on pitch correction and musical simplification in order to make its performers' singing palatable. If one pays attention, one will realize that every singer comes in exactly on the pitch. Never is there an alteration to the vowel or intonation in order to tune the note, for even a fraction of a second, as is the case with 99% of all singers. Furthermore, the vibrato for everyone's voice is remarkably reedy and artificially produced. Never do the notes ring in the ear, unless obvious echo effects are used. Perhaps even more insulting is the alteration of rhythms and registers in order to make the score easier to sing. The score is butchered, with syncopations and triplets removed almost entirely. Whenever a part becomes too difficult for a performer to sing, usually James Cordren, the singers flip down a register in order to sing the part. This would never fly in a play; in fact, any alteration to Sondheim and Lapine's score is viable to get a production company sued for violating copyright law. Worst of all, with all the pitch cheating, I mean, correction and musical alterations, Anna Kendrick still sounds awful.

In the broad scheme of things, poor casting, pacing, and musical execution cannot completely ruin a movie (though they can prove taxing). Is the film at least focused? Overall, yes. Into the Woods tells a complete story and manage to fulfill the basics of the original musical. Yet it very much feels like a SparkNotes version of the show. Of all the main themes of the show - the futility of determinism, the complexities of raising a child, the nature of causality in a post-Tolstoy world, the voyeuristic nature of male sexuality - the Disney adaptation fully develops only the last (surprising, considering that this is Disney). As far as being a fairy tale satire, the only point the Disney adaptation manages to make is, "sometimes happily ever after doesn't happen." Roll the end credits.

In my book, this is the worst insult one could give to the original musical. All fairy tales have a finality and certainty to them that Sondheim and Lapine clearly find disingenuous. It doesn't matter what happens along the way, be it the blinding of stepsisters or the death of a giantess's husband; the heroes get a happily ever after and all is done. Life doesn't work out this way, and no matter how poignant the morals of fairy tales might be, their clear-cut endings thwart any questions we might have about them. By killing the narrator and destroying the internal path of the the woods in the original musical, Sondheim and Lapine force both the characters and the audience to face a world in which there aren't just ambiguous endings: there are ambiguous choices, ambiguous characters, ambiguous environments. The world of Into the Woods is meant to be complex. While Emily Blunt does her best to communicate this point in her admittedly great rendition of "Moments in the Woods," it's just not enough to compensate for how much Disney cuts from the film in order to truncate the themes. It's too certain.

Thus, as far as adaptation is concerned, Disney's Into the Woods is a flat-out flop. It doesn't manage to communicate the complexities of the original; it's instead a mostly rushed, mostly subpar, mostly squeaky clean version of the stage show that looks really nice. The movie critic in me hopes, that if both the narrator and an intermission were included, this could have been one of the great movie musicals, especially considering that this show comes from Disney. The theatre nerd in me tells me to scrap everything and restart with an entirely new cast of singers who can act rather than actors who can sing... with help from the studio heads. As it is, Into the Woods is just OK, instead of being good, bad, or great. This show deserves better.

Recommendation: If you love the original show and are not certain as to whether or not you want to see the Disney adaptation, stay away. If one has never seen the show before, do not see this musical; rent instead the original 1991 stage recording and appreciate the full-length, uncut brilliance of the original cast. If you've seen the show and want to see Emily Blunt redeem herself from her lackluster performance in Edge of Tomorrow, then go ahead and see Into the Woods. As for anyone else, there are too many good movies out right now to spend money on this one. Go see Birdman instead.

I give Into the Woods 4.6/10 stars.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

The Top Twenty Greatest Christmas Songs Ever Written


Time for something completely different. As most of my regular readers are aware, this blog is mostly devoted to examining movies and other visual media. But there's plenty more art to talk about. While I doubt I'll ever do focused evaluations of the fine arts, but I'm more than happy to examine literature or, even more likely, music. I love music even more than I love movies; considering how much I love movies, that's saying a lot. And if there's any one time of year in which I get really excited for music, it's the holiday season.

There are dozens of sticks in the mud who hate Christmas music for never changing, but I am most definitely not one of them. Sure, I have those Christmas songs that I loathe ("Last Christmas," "The 12 Days of Christmas," "All I Want for Christmas Is You"), but I actually like the vast majority of songs that dominate the holiday airwaves. It doesn't matter if it's a Christian traditional, a 1940s standard, or a new rock and roll classic: if it's a Christmas song, I probably like it to some extent or another. The following top twenty is my ranking of the twenty best Christmas songs ever written. I judged these songs, more or less, by how well they fit the attitude of the season, the quality of their composition, their importance in the holiday canon, and the depth of the "fuzzy feeling" I get whenever I hear them. I'm trying to be objective in my ranking, so some of my personal favorites like "Christmas Time Is Here" and "Santa Claus is Comin' To Town" didn't make the list. I also didn't include any songs/arias from Handel's Messiah, as they don't quite fit the spirit of the list. Without further ado, my top twenty greatest Christmas songs.

20. "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" - Johnny Marks

There were plenty of great Christmas songs written in the 1950s and 60s, but the best crop of them came from one of the gods of Christmas songwriting: Johnny Marks. Also responsible for writing "A Holly Jolly Christmas" and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," Johnny Marks is practically a legend in the Christmas song world. While he's not remembered too fondly today, there's no doubt that Johnny Marks had some talent; the man wrote the entire libretto of the Rankin-Bass Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Christmas special, for goodness sakes.

I think "Rockin' Around the Christmas" is the Johnny Marks song that has held up the best, and it's the best Christmas song to come out of the original rock and roll era. "Jingle Bell Rock" is also fondly remembered, but I think "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" has held up just a bit better. The guitar twang is cleaner and more memorable, especially with rock guitar legend Hank Garland plucking the strings on the 1960 original. Plus, "Jingle Bell Rock" doesn't have the best saxophone solo in Christmas history: one can thank Boots Randolph, more famous for his work on "Yakety Sax." It's also the song on which Brenda Lee actually sounds her best, as opposed to all her of her non-holiday tunes. It's a fun song with a great beat, and it certainly gets one into the partying spirit of the holiday.

19. "Adeste Fideles/O Come All Ye Faithful" - Traditional

The actual authorship of "Adeste Fideles" is actually unknown. It is most commonly attributed to the 18th century composer, John Francis Wade, but other composers, from Handel to Gluck, have also been suggested authors. What certainly is apparent is "O Come All Ye Faithful"'s critical standing in the sacred Christmas song canon. One of the most universally loved sacred songs, "O Come All Ye Faithful" is one of the best "gathering" songs for any Christmas Mass, what with its warm tones and embracing music welcoming any person to a holy gathering.

From its subtle harmonic sequencing to its spectacular dynamic, "O Come All Ye Faithful" is a marvel of composition in every respect. Few songs better accentuate the glory of Christmas, in the religious sense, at least. Even if one isn't religious, one can still appreciate just how massive this song is. There's a spiritual depth to "O Come All Ye Faithful" that is truly hard to match. It's just a bit too boisterous to get any higher on the list, as I feel Christmas gains all the more value in exploring the interplay between community in the large and small sense. "O Come All Ye Faithful" seems to only focus on the former. Other Christmas hymns do a better job of accentuating them both.

18. "Little Saint Nick"- The Beach Boys

The Beach Boys are the best harmonic rock band ever, and their Christmas album is probably the second-best rock and roll holiday recording ever (we'll get to the best later on). What's truly respectable about the album is the fact that the first side of it is practically all original Christmas tunes. Nowadays, most artists just have one original Christmas song and a whole bunch of covers. The most enduring of the Beach Boys' Christmas songs is "Little Saint Nick," a re-hash of their famous song, "Little Deuce Coupe," that actually manages to improve on the original.

The key to "Little Saint Nick" is the quality of the production. As usual, Brian Wilson arranges an excellent mix on the vocals, accentuating all the right parts at all the right times. There's such a real sense of balance on the sound that is very absent on most other contemporary Christmas songs. The xylophone offers a classic Buddy Holly-esque sound while the piano offers the surfing feel of the Beach Boys' original songs; both feelings produce a Christmas song that is both unique and timeless. This is a Christmas song so good that no cover ever quite does the original justice. "Little Saint Nick" is one of the great Christmas records, one that will not be going away anytime soon.

17. "Es ist ein Ros entsprungen/Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming" - Traditional

Probably the oldest song on the list, "Es ist ein Ros entsprungen" dates back all the way to the late 16th century. If only because of its tremendous age, most scholars have no idea who was the actual composer. Nonetheless, it is as fine a Renaissance piece as one is to find anywhere. The piece is especially significant seeing as it is of German origin; the most dominant sounds of the Renaissance were mostly Franco-Flemish. In spite of this, "Es ist ein Ros entsprungen" has a popularity practically unmatched by any other Renaissance hymn.

"Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming" is very much an expanded metaphor of the birth of Jesus Christ, with the baby boy likened to a blooming flower. The lyrics blend perfectly with the almost chilly harmonic rhythm of the piece, creating a truly beautiful effect. The element of the hymn I find the most interesting is its color: unlike with most other songs, I can vividly get a sense of color from listening to "Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming": the faintest amount of red in a pure white canvas. When a song can affect a person on a complete aesthetic level, at least something has been done right. "Es ist ein Ros entsprungen" is a Christmas classic in every conceivable way, a flower that has endured for centuries.

16. "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" - John Lennon

I found "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" to be one of the most difficult to include on the list, as it's clearly a protest song that so happens to include Christmas in the lyrics as opposed to being a genuine Christmas song. Ultimately, I think the bells and the genuine Christmas feel of the song won me over, and it made the list in spite of its clearly political message. As with most of John Lennon's solo career, "Happy Xmas" is all about war and peace. Unsurprisingly, Lennon hates the former and loves the latter. Yet he does something genuinely interesting with "Happy Xmas" that one wouldn't suspect in a Christmas song.

"Happy Xmas" seems to have two narrators. The first, John, is a critic of the world inveighing against the injustice and hypocrisy of the world around him; this narrator is truly biting, with an almost contemptuous attitude towards global leaders and the listener. The second, Yoko and the children's choir, is the ever-hopeful crowd, simply chanting for peace; in another interpretation, this voice is the blithely unaware Christmas mass public. I tend to side with the former, as the line "let's hope it's a good one without any fear" suggests hope for a peaceful world to come. In any case, the interplay between the two narrators creates a truly powerful protest song.

While a great song in its own right, "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" can't get any higher on this list due to its nature as a protest song. It's a great song; it's just not essential to the holiday.

15. "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear"- Edmund Sears and Richard Storrs Willis

To be clear, my selection is the "Carol" version of this song. The British "Noel" is fine, but I find the choir a bit too direct and/or overwhelming to really lure me in. The "Carol" version, though, is probably the best humanity has gotten to a Christmas lullaby. While there are plenty of other peaceful Christmas songs, "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" effectively uses its 3/4 time to lull the listener into a state of utter bliss. Speaking from experience, I feel this song is one of the absolute best Christmas songs to perform with a choir, as the swells and phrases seem to create themselves.

I think "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" is the best of the angel-focused Christmas songs. In all honesty, both "Angels We Have Heard on High" and "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing!" are the same song (same chord progression, same phrasal climax, same length). Also, "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" doesn't try to over-awe the audience. It creates a warm presence as opposed to an awe-inspiring presence. Fitting in the overall spirit of the New Testament, I think it's much more tonally appropriate. "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" is a wintery tune with a spiritual edge that makes it one of the great traditional Christmas carols.

14. "Fairytale of New York" - The Pogues feat. Kirsty McColl

For rock and roll fans, this song usually comes out on top of lists like this. The Pogues were an Irish folk-punk band most famous for their classic 1985 album, Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash. But their most enduring song is in fact this Christmas song, "Fairytale of New York." A pictureseque scene of Christmas in the pubs of New York's Irish-dominated districts, "Fairytale of New York" is perhaps the deepest character study in Christmas song history. I know many prefer Tom Waits's "Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis," but I think this song fits the spirit of the holiday much better. That, and it's just a better melody.

"Fairytale of New York" has two sections. The first is a rather morose love letter, describing an old drunk's last Christmas alive and the depression of the love-sick lead singer. The second part is a rollicking jig-inspired tale of a Christmas romance. The interplay between the Pogues' lead singer, Shane MacGowan, and guest singer Kirsty McColl in this portion is really fantastic. It's actually incredibly funny, with the two spouting insincere insults at each other in a pseudo-romantic banter. The excellent orchestration really produces the feeling of Christmas in New York.

"Fairytale of New York" is a practically perfect song, but it's lower on the list because it's "a Christmas story" rather than "the Christmas story" or "all Christmas stories." It's so incredibly specific as to crush the universality of the holiday. The next few songs are even better at capturing the Christmas spirit.

13. "Carol of the Bells" - Mykola Leontovych

Perhaps the most beloved choral Christmas song of all time, "Carol of the Bells" is at once one of the simplest and most complex Christmas songs ever written. The entire song is written around one very basic motif, but it builds into a wonderful cascade of simultaneously joyful and ominous sound. While most Christmas bells are generally light and bright, the tones of "Carol of the Bells" are rich and dark. From the simple descending lines of the alto and tenor to the pounding sonority of the bass, the entire part leading of "Carol of the Bells" creates a tone that is more imposing than happy. Gaily may they ring, yet the people sing with a profundity that is lacking in many other Christmas songs.

I'd also like to address the famous and/or "infamous" (depending on the audience) Trans-Siberian Orchestra version of this song. For those who haven't heard it (somehow), the Trans-Siberian Orchestra turned this relatively simple choral song into a three minute heavy metal Christmas opus. The piece undeniably feels as if it belongs in the final boss battle of a JRPG rather than a Christmas setting, especially with the simplification of the melodic build to 12 ostinato repetitions as opposed to the traditional 20. Nonetheless, I still think it's enjoyable in its own right. I think overly praising it or overly hating it tends to miss the point of it: it's not aspiring to be a Christmas song; it's aspiring to be a heavy metal song. In that right, it succeeds.

Be it the song that the local choir sings every year or the song that every local high school band learns how to play, "Carol of the Bells" is a holiday staple that is as threatening as it is beautiful.

12. "Sleigh Ride" - Leroy Anderson

I'm kind of cheating on this one, as "Sleigh Ride" is neither a Christmas song nor a song in and of itself. The original Leroy Anderson composition and the definitive version of the piece is an orchestral work; if there isn't singing in it, it's not a song. At the same time, "Sleigh Ride" has since been adapted into a song that works well enough in its own right and that is improved considerably in light of the sheer quality of the original piece. It may not be explicitly be about the holiday, but it has a wintery feel, what with the sleigh bells and the slapstick, that just screams Christmas. It's a song that alludes to the secular community of the holiday.

Of the vocal versions, my favorite version probably comes from the Ronettes. I'm just a sucker for Phil Spector's Wall of Sound. Not to mention, the backing vocals really do enhance the tone of the piece, suggesting the instrumental original. Instead of "Walking in the Rain," one feels as if one is "riding in the snow." There are plenty of great cues in the instrumentation in this version, especially the string breakdown in the song's middle. It might not have the bridge of the original, but it's great all the same.

If there was any one problem with "Sleigh Ride," it's the lack of sing-along appeal. I can really only picture one person singing "Sleigh Ride" at a time, and most choral arrangements of this piece tend not to do it justice. And, overall, I tend to prefer the instrumental, non-song version of the piece. As it stands, "Sleigh Ride" is one of the best pieces of Christmas music, even if it's not the best single "song" of the holiday. 

11. "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" - Ellie Greenwich and Jeff Barry

Rolling Stone named "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" to be the greatest rock and roll Christmas song ever. (I disagree with this assessment, but we'll get to that one later.) It is also the only holiday song to have gained entry onto a list by Pitchfork, being considered one of the best songs of the 1960s. Thus, it seems rather odd that most people tend not to list "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" as one of their personal favorite Christmas songs. Yet I think I have the answer: "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" is almost anti-Christmas in its approach. At its core, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" is not about Christmas: it's about heartbreak. The narrator does not care about the season whatsoever; he/she can only process the misery of his/her heartbreak.

For this Christmas song, I think there are two equally definitive versions out there. The first is, of course, the Darlene Love original, right from the A Christmas Gift for You album, in my opinion the greatest Christmas album ever made. This is definitely the version with the best production, what with the excellent appropriation of the Wall of Sound, with the bells tolling at the perfect times to create a beautifully mournful song. Throw in the best singer of Phil Spector's regular collaborators, Darlene Love, and one's got a classic song. The other excellent version belongs to U2; Bono adds an incredible pathos to this song, with his excellent vocals really hitting this song out of the park. The Edge offers a rather subdued performance, actually recreating the sombre yet upbeat feel of the original.

All the same, most versions of "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" are good. The recent Michael Bublé version just gets better and better the more I hear it, and even the Mariah Carey version holds up to a few listens. "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" is a bit of Christmas misery that's the perfect red pill to the Christmas experience.

10. "I'll Be Home for Christmas" - Walter Kent and Kim Gannon

If one has a relative who is or has served in the armed forces, "I'll Be Home for Christmas" is more than likely a favorite, if not the favorite, Christmas song of the season. A song offering hope for a safe journey home, "I'll Be Home for Christmas" was written with soldiers in mind. The Bing Crosby original is a true holiday classic that will never fade. I think the recent version by Josh Groban is actually just as good, whether or not one includes the audio recordings of American servicemen and women. It's a song so powerful as to be effective with any singer.

For me, "I'll Be Home for Christmas" offers even more than just connection between families torn apart by distance. To me, "I'll Be Home for Christmas" also provides a spiritual connection between those alive and dead. Be it my Christianity showing or my personal hope for something beyond our lifespan, there's a deeply spiritual family connection that is inherent to "I'll Be Home for Christmas." When hearing it, I feel as if connected to my whole family at once. Perhaps it's just one college student's wishful thinking, but this song manages to connect on every level. If this were a purely personal list, this would have ranked higher, but there are a few other songs that I think are even more emblematic of the holiday.

9. "River" - Joni Mitchell

Of all the songs on this list, "River" is the song least associated with the season. In my opinion, however, the Christmas song canon is not truly complete unless one considers the mournful majesty of "River," the only Christmas song that has ever managed to encapsulate absolute misery. Certainly, "Fairytale of New York" and "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" are rather "sad" songs as compared to most Christmas tunes, but "River" is one of the saddest songs ever written, period. It's one of the best songs off of Joni Mitchell's exemplary Blue album, and, while extremely secular, it has much more to do with Christmas than many songs that name drop Christmas in every other line.

"River" begins by quoting the main motif of "Jingle Bells," quite possibly the happiest and most inane Christmas song of them all. Yet the harmonic progression of the piece transforms the "Jingle Bell" motif into something truly morose. The lyrical sentiment matches that of the far more famous "White Christmas," yet, once again, the theme is turned on its head, with the dreams of snow becoming dreams of ice and pain. There's plenty of ambiguity to the lyric: does Joni want to fly away from her problems, fly away from the commercialization of Christmas, fly away from her misery? There's plenty of room for interpretation.

It gives me pride to see "River" becoming more and more of a modern classic, what with dozens of artists covering it around the holiday season. In all honesty, more radio stations should play "River" in rotation with the other Christmas tunes. After all, instead of having weak-willed people well up to the shameless pandering of Newsong's "The Christmas Shoes," we can all cry to a Christmas song that is genuinely heartbreaking. "River" is the story of the world's most miserable Christmas, and it's a story I won't soon forget.

8. "Silver Bells" - Jay Livingston and Ray Evans

There's something truly odd about "Silver Bells." It shouldn't feel as universal as it does. At its core, "Silver Bells" is purely about Christmas time in the city, what with the hustle and bustle of cars and pedestrians. Each person's hearing the bells is an experience unique to him or her. Yet the melody itself suggests something far more communal in spirit. Much like "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear," "Silver Bells" is suggestive of a lullaby. Yet, instead of being a personal lullaby from a parent to a child, it feels like the final tune sung at a community sing-along before everyone goes home. There's a nostalgia to this song that is absolutely compelling.

There are plenty of great versions of this song, but I think the best ones come from the crooners: Dean Martin and Bing Crosby. The Dean Martin version is probably the most popular, and it certainly has a classic feel to it. The echoes of the choir are easily the best part of this version, with an almost hypnotic allure in their crescendo. The Bing Crosby version, a duet with Carol Richards, offers a sense of age that's not distracting. The duet really works well, with Carol Richards doing an especially good job. The harmonies meld together quite nicely.

"Silver Bells" is one of the best melodies of the holiday season. It might just be about the city, but it's a song that speaks to more of us than it really should. No matter where one is, "Silver Bells" is sure to leave a smile on one's face.


7. "White Christmas" - Irving Berlin

I find it very difficult to say anything about "White Christmas" that hasn't been said before. I could talk about the excellence of the composition, especially considering Bing Crosby's voice. I could talk about the emotional resonance of the song within the context of the film, Holiday Inn, as well as its broader application to every child's dream for Christmas day. I could talk about how it is the most popular single in human history, having sold more copies than any other song ever. I could talk about its status as the single song most associated with Christmas. I could talk about the fact that not one, but two, classic holiday movies were written for the sole purpose of including the song "White Christmas." But I think I'd just be repeating what has already been said.

Instead, I think I'll talk about the doo wop version by the Drifters. While I've always been more a fan of the Ben E. King era Drifters as opposed to the Clyde McPhatter era Drifters, "White Christmas" is the one song from that era that I find that I enjoy the most. This version features two phenomenal performances from two very different singers: Bill Pinkney and Clyde McPhatter. McPhatter's incredibly light vocal oozes over the melody with an ease that very few soul singers have since been able to match; indeed, most covers of this version tend to have a girl sing the part in order to recreate this ease. But an even more underrated performance comes from Bill Pinkney; his excellent vocal shines through, crisp and clear. While it doesn't compare to the Bing Crosby original, it's a great song in its own right.

What more can I say? It's "White Christmas."

6. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - Hugh Martin and Ralph Blane

Some songs sound great no matter who sings them. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is one of those songs. It doesn't matter if one is listening to Judy Garland, Frank Sinatra, Michael Bublé, Sam Smith, Chrissie Hynde, etc. - this is just a spectacular piece of music. I can think of very few songs that more effectively combine past, present, and future than "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." It seems to yearn for what is past while offering hopes for the future, all the while providing comfort in the present. It's one of those songs that compresses time, making it a truly modern piece of songwriting.

Of all the Christmas songs out there, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is one of the most indicative of the season. Hearing this song from the window of a store truly evokes the spirit of Christmas, as a general spirit of goodwill seems to pour through this song's very soul. The progression of the harmonies combined with the gentle melody has a truly heartwarming effect. Lyrically, the song excels as well. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is a song mainly about change, be it the simple passage of time or an alteration of circumstances. In spite of these changes, both family and Christmas endure.

By the same token, so does "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" endure. It's one of the holiday classics that everyone seems to like. I have never met a person who dislikes "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." I hope it stays that way.

5. "Peace on Earth/The Little Drummer Boy" - Katherine Kennicott Davis, Ian Fraser, Larry Grossman, and Alan Kohan

While I love "The Little Drummer Boy" all by its lonesome, the Bing Crosby and David Bowie combination version, "Peace on Earth/The Little Drummer Boy" is perhaps the single best Christmas recording... period. There is no other Christmas song that forces me to drop everything and listen to it. What's so amazing about "Peace on Earth/The Little Drummer Boy" is that it shouldn't work at all. Combining Bing Crosby, the most reserved and classic holiday singer of them all, with David Bowie, the trend-setting, absolutely insane songwriter of the 70s and 80s, should not work. Just saying "Bing and Bowie" sounds kind of wrong. Yet "Peace on Earth/The Little Drummer Boy" seems to combine the old and the new in a way no other song has done better.

There's something truly magical about the song's introduction: I'm not sure if it's the simple piano melody melding perfectly into Bing and Bowie's harmonies, the subtle inclusion of the flute, or something else altogether. Even better is the actual vocal performance; neither Bing nor Bowie is exactly in time, yet they enter at exactly the same moment. There's a strong confidence to Bing's voice, despite him mostly singing in the background; all the while, Bowie's voice slips over the descant in excellent fashion. The bridge of this song might just be the best single moment in Christmas song history, with the strings and horns perfectly complementing the vocal climax.

Due to the strength of this song being its recording rather than the composition itself, it can't get any higher on the list. Yet there's no Christmas song that provides a more enjoyable listen. "Peace On Earth/The Little Drummer Boy" defies both time and genre to create a Christmas experience that is both unique and enjoyable.

4. "O Holy Night/Cantique de Noël"- Adolphe Adam

"O Holy Night" is the Schubert Ave Maria of Christmas. It's the song that every person sings at Christmas in order to show off his/her vocal chops. In some ways, "O Holy Night" gives me mixed feelings; Christmas shouldn't be about shameless self-endorsement, and the sheer bravado of "O Holy Night" tends to produce that. At the same time, though, when put in the hands of the right singer, this song is truly powerful. It is an amazing listen. No other Christmas melody is quite as beautiful; it is as divine as the subject matter.

Unlike "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," "O Holy Night" derives its strength from the performer rather than the composition itself (not that the composition is weak). While many, many pop stars - Whitney Houston, Bing Crosby, Mariah Carey - have all tried their hand at this piece, very few manage to do it justice. Of these, my favorite is probably Josh Groban's, what with him holding out the last F# so that it rings in the listener's ears. For the best versions, one has to look to classically trained singer. While the Joan Sutherland and Jussi Björling versions are more technically accomplished, I find myself more inclined towards the various duets featuring Luciano Pavarotti. While the other performances sound more supported, no doubt, Pavarotti and his various duet partners offer a true warmth that I find lacking in the most critically respected performances. My personal favorite is likely the duet between Pavarotti and fellow member of the Three Tenors, Placido Domingo. But there are plenty of duets, all of them great.

"O Holy Night" might be everyone's favorite Christmas song, but its overall sense of grandiosity keeps it out of the top three by just that much. Nonetheless, it's one of the best Christmas melodies ever, and it's quite possibly the most enjoyable Christmas song to listen to.

3. "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" - Jule Styne and Sammy Cahn

While not an explicit Christmas song, "Let It Snow" makes the list due to its being the most enjoyable holiday sing-along song of them all. No matter how much of a Grinch one might be, one simply must join in the chorus of this song. It matters not if one is in tune or even on pitch: the simple declaration of "Let It Snow" is enough to create a powerful musical sentiment. It's one of few songs in history that manages to succeed purely on the strength of its volume rather than its pure musicality. While this should theoretically drop it a few spots on this list, the reckless abandon of "Let It Snow" is actually much more indicative of the season than the precision of "O Holy Night" or "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." It's the song that brings the community together.

"Let It Snow" is a work from Jule Styne, the same composer who wrote most of Broadway's most enduring hits, including "Don't Rain on My Parade" and "Everything's Coming Up Roses." "Let It Snow" fits perfectly into that canon, with a melody so catchy as to never go away. Yet at no point does "Let It Snow" ever become annoying or aggravating. It's got a pleasant enough bounce to keep the listener constantly engaged. And, unlike the similarly bouncy "Jingle Bells," "Let It Snow" has a nice, rich harmonic texture that rewards multiple listens. The line "O, I hate going out in the storm" gives me chills each time it is sung properly.

Considering that the similarly themed "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is one of the worst Christmas songs of all time, it's quite astonishing that "Let It Snow" would rank in the top three. Yet, unlike its "rape-y" contemporary, "Let It Snow" feels communal and consensual. It may be a romantic song that has little, if anything, to do with Christmas, but it creates a truly romantic Christmas atmosphere. It's the greatest Christmas sing-along song of them all, and I love hearing it every year.

2. "The Christmas Song" - Mel Tormé and Bob Wells

I'll be honest when I say that no other song could possibly dislodge the number one selection. Yet, if any song makes me want to dislodge the number one spot, it would be "The Christmas Song." More than any other song on the list thusfar, this song just screams Christmas. Bob Wells's poetry creates a Christmas setting as picturesque as "'Twas the Night Before Christmas." Furthermore, it's also a setting encompassing every Christmas story as opposed to just one story, like "Fairytale of New York." Though a first person narrator appears at the very end of the lyric, the message is a simple one laid out for people of all ages. Not to mention all the clever flourishes: "to kids from one to ninety-two," "tiny tots with their eyes all aglow," "folks dressed up like Eskimos." Barring that one accidental piece of political incorrect language, this song is just about perfect.

I love the 1961 version with Nat King Cole. It is an absolute classic. Yet, as good as it is, I think the various versions by the song's writer, Mel Tormé, are even better. As the cliché goes, the man had a voice like "buttah." The Velvet Fog's impeccable sense of melody works wonders in both the writing and the execution of Christmas song. In some ways, it's a jazz standard right up the Cole Porter line. In others, it's a timeless Christmas classic that isn't defined by any singular period of time. One thing is clear: whether it's Nat King Cole or Mel Tormé behind the microphone, this song sounds amazing.

Indeed, "The Christmas Song" is yet another one of those songs that manages to make the singer sound better by virtue of its very existence. Much like "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," there isn't a truly bad version of "The Christmas Song" out there. It's a Christmas melody and sentiment so perfect that everyone can enjoy it. While the number one song is the best Christmas song of them all, "The Christmas Song" is a clear runner-up. It only loses the title due to there being an even better tune.

1. "Stille Nacht/Silent Night" - Franz Xaver Gruber

When I think of Christmas, I think of "Silent Night." There is no other song that so completely matches the season in composition, lyrical content, cultural legacy, and spiritual poignancy. Through its mellow melody and excellent harmonies, "Silent Night" manages to combine modesty and grandiosity into one tune. Though the main melody has a very limited range, the opportunities for descants make "Silent Night" a song ripe for expansion (though going overboard can tarnish its quality). Composer Franz Gruber writes the melodic phrase into the score with a clear finesse that makes "Silent Night" a true standard in every sense. It's a song so important that it is considered by UNESCO to be an "intangible piece of cultural heritage."

"Silent Night" is also one of few Christmas songs that works in nearly any setting. Be it a solo singer of classical or contemporary style, a choir, an orchestra, a folk group, "Silent Night" is the perfect closing song to any Christmas set. The melody and lyric are simple enough so that anyone can join into the song without it feeling interrupted. Its simplicity is its strength.

Unlike many people of my denomination, I'm not a stickler when it comes to reinforcing "the meaning of Christmas." The birth of Yeshua of Nazareth may be the main focus of the holiday season to many people, but I'm aware that said birth actually happened in the early autumn. Christmas just occurs on December 25th in order to coincide with the Roman celebration of Saturnalia. In spite of the arbitrary dating, though, I think there's a critical spirituality to the Christmas season that goes beyond both the simple giving of ourselves and the virtue of good-will towards man. Christmas is the time of year in which each human action is part of something greater, be it a sense of holiness or our joining in a "Parliament of Man" and/or "community of the world." Through its humility, "Silent Night" manages to capture that essential spirituality of Christmas that no other Christmas song has.

The first time I realized the genius of "Silent Night" was when I watched the Disney cash grab, Very Merry Christmas Songs, a straight-to-video sing-along set that used stock footage from older Disney movies in order to make a quick buck. Being young and not knowing any better, I watched the tape and enjoyed it fine enough. Watching the "Silent Night" segment, however, was one of my first moments of musical transcendence. While the Living Voices' version of the song isn't the best I've heard (it probably wouldn't even be in the top five), it carried a weight to it, at the time, that I'd never noticed before. It was a musical moment both glorious and humble. To this day, I still associate the imagery used in Fantasia's "Ave Maria" with "Silent Night" instead. In my opinion, it just fits better.

"Silent Night" is everything good and beautiful about Christmas. Be it a religious celebration of the Messiah's birth or a simple time of celebrating family and generosity, "Silent Night" carries the importance of the season within its very soul. Certainly, it is perhaps the simplest Christmas song of them all. But a brilliance hides behind that simplicity, a glow that can lead a Grinch's heart to grow three sizes. In my opinion, "Silent Night" isn't just the greatest Christmas song ever written; it's one of the best songs ever written, period.

I hope your day has been full of the hope and joy for mankind that makes December the most wondeful time of the year. May your families be happy and healthy, with good hopes for the year to come. Happy Holidays, and Merry Christmas!