Movie Review #21: Annie (2014)

Annie (2014)
Director: Will Gluck
Writer(s): Will Gluck, Aline Brosh McKenna
Starring: Quvenzhané Wallis, Jamie Foxx, Cameron Diaz

So, last year, the Internet was abuzz with posts like this:

(All credit goes to this site.)

The collective response of rational people: sure, maybe you're not racist, but that comment certainly is. To claim that "Little Orphan Annie" must be a white red-headed girl is to claim that all relics of racial disparity must be maintained. Indeed, if one looks at the original "Little Orphan Annie" comics, one can find quite a bit of not so thinly-veiled racism hiding just below the surface. I've heard some people argue that "well, if they can make a remake of Annie with an African-American girl, why can't they make a remake of Roots with a Caucasian cast?" Simple: Roots is a historical drama based around the real-life suffering of the black race throughout American history. To have a white cast would be historically disingenuous, and, yes, racist. Annie is a capitalist fantasy/propaganda piece intended to illustrate the American dream in the most picaresque way possible. Fundamentally, the story design is race-neutral. Now, I appreciate the gesture to have an African-American actor play the "Daddy Warbucks" character, so as not to perpetuate the "white man's burden" stereotype that has plagued films like Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, and Avatar. There is no conceivable argument to be made that having Little Orphan Annie be African-American is wrong.

That being said, the 2014 remake of Annie is a disaster of a movie.

Before anyone calls the "racist" card on me, one needs to understand my position on this movie. Out of my family members, I was the one most excited to watch Annie. My parents, being long-time fans of the original musical and 1982 movie, were very apprehensive about the picture. My sister, having sung "Maybe" (she still knocks it out of the park) multiple times, wasn't sure about the new musical direction the film was going to take. I, on the other hand, was actually quite curious; given the political atmosphere of the 21st century, what would an update of Annie look like? The trailers suggested that the film would have a more distinctly urban approach to the story, rather than the idealized 1920s setting of the original. Is the film going to tackle issues of poverty in a more on-the-nose manner than the original? Heck, is it going to discuss the racist elements that persist in New York and other US cities, with a lack of opportunities for black Americans engendering a vicious cycle of racial hatred? With all the press the film was getting, I was very much excited to see what the film might be.

What I got floored me. This film isn't just unoriginal or boring or even subpar: it's really, really bad. We are talking Happy-Madison comedy levels of bad here. This is one of the worst musicals I have ever seen, let alone one of the worst remakes I've ever seen. Not a single element of the film works. The acting is horrible. The writing is horrible. The pacing is horrible. The cinematography is horrible. The music is horrible. The entire movie is horrible. If not for any of the Michael Bay pictures that came out last year, I'd be hard-pressed to look for a mainstream blockbuster movie of 2014 that was worse than Annie. Without further ado, the actual review:

Annie (Quvenzhané Wallis) is a ten-year-old orphan living in New York City, under the care of the abusive Ms. Hannigan (Cameron Diaz). She is determined to find her actual birth parents. One day, while trying to rescue a dog from some boys, Annie is nearly hit by a car, to be saved by Will Stacks (Jamie Foxx), a cell phone mogul running for mayor. Seeing as his heroic acts towards Annie boost his chances at the polls, Stacks makes an agreement with Annie to have her stay at his house so he can reap the benefits of her presence. As Annie worms her way into the lives of Stacks and his assistant, Grace (Rose Byrne), Stacks's greedy publicity advisor (Bobby Cannavale) schemes to boost Stacks's poll numbers by exploiting Annie in the worst means possible. Light-hearted charm ensues as Annie truly learns what it means to have a family.

Let's get the bases covered by tackling by far the easiest subject: the acting. It's uniformly disappointing. I adore Quvenzhané Wallis; Beasts of the Southern Wild is one of my top twenty favorite movies, and her stellar performance is one of several reasons why. In spite of such high caliber previous performances, Wallis gives some line readings in this film that are truly lackluster. None of the passion of Beasts of the Southern Wild can be found here; it's as if the camera drains all the life out of her. Jamie Foxx must have been determined to prove himself the worst actor of 2014; his awkward, disjointed performance in this film matches his equally bad Electro in The Amazing Spiderman 2. Rose Byrne tries her hardest, but the script does her no favors. Bobby Cannavale plays the role of the villain just as any other of his dozens of prior villain roles: the man is now the slime-ball of cinema. By far the worst is Cameron Diaz as Ms. Hannigan. Diaz transforms one of the most sinister yet comic villains in musical theatre into an unfunny, bedraggled, clichéd character whose attempts at humor make one want to punch her in the face. All I can say is thank goodness that she won Worst Actress at this year's Razzie Awards.

Musically, the Annie remake is grating to laypersons but vomit-inducing to theatre-goers. The entire soundtrack is covered in auto-tune and pitch correction; the musical experience is truly inhuman. Occasionally, though, even the autotune fails. During "Little Girls," Cameron Diaz honestly sounded like a duck that swallowed a tank of helium gas. The original songs aren't memorable in the slightest, being the most by-the-book Oscar-pandering songs I've heard since "Suddenly" from Les Miserables in 2012. The ambient music in the other scenes is alternatively poorly arranged and haphazard or lifelessly stagnant and formulaic. The musical theatre fan in me winced at every single song, as not a single note comes from genuine emotion or psychological development, but rather from analyst-based timing and demographic pandering. The songs serve no function other than taking the listener out of the movie entirely, only confirming the mainstream audience's bias against musical theatre. Films like Annie actively work to destroy the medium that I and so many others adore, and its crimes to music must be excoriated.

The camera work and editing are similarly uninspired. While the high-definition camerawork is pleasing to some, it doesn't end up enhancing any of the film's themes or plot points. Rather than inspiring wonder or awe, the clean sheen of the camera makes the movie experience seem sleek and commercialized. The film looks like a cash grab in each shot; in fact, one could put a logo for some product or another in the bottom right hand corner of the screen, and Annie could very well look like a TV commercial. Furthermore, this film's use of montage is wholly discomforting. While films like Battleship Potemkin, Warrior, Whiplash, and The Pink Panther Strikes Again use montage to its perfect dramatic and comedic effect, Annie uses montages as substitutes for emotional development. I may not follow in the footsteps of the greatest film critic of all time, André Bazin, as far as the emotional weight of the mise en scene is concerned, but this film is the incarnation of his criticisms of montage: the viewer is removed from the experience and is unable to appreciate the artistic elements of the scene. These moments are designed to manipulate.

None of the changes to the original musical work. Instead of being a munitions manufacturer like "Daddy" Warbucks, Will Stacks is a telecommunications mogul. His gimmick: hiding cell towers in plain sight. It's too bad that his plan involves hiding cell towers inside the Statue of Liberty and other national monuments. I have to wonder why the New York City government hasn't leveled any complaints about vandalism. Ms. Hannigan is no longer an alcoholic adoption supervisor but a washed-up struggling actress, who apparently has something "beautiful" hidden within. It's a narrative ploy for us to pity her, when Ms. Hannigan isn't a character whom we are supposed to pity. She is supposed to inspire fear in children and loathing from the audience. I certainly felt loathing for the character... but not for the right reasons. A brief plot point about Stacks's allegedly wanting to get rid of Annie emerges in the third act, but it pops up so briefly as to only make the film drag. A poorly executed car chase is thrown into the film for no clear reason; the entire sequence is devoid of any tension or drama. Finally, in the worst instance of product placement of 2014, Twitter and Instagram end up saving the day. I kid you not. The film is certainly replete with cash-whoring, but that was my last straw.

Even the film's more interesting elements end up wasted. There's a brief conversation between Annie and Stacks in which Stacks argues for his Social Darwinist philosophy: everyone needs to do the best with the cards given to him/her. Annie then asks, "well, what if you don't have any cards?" That's a really good question, one that tackles some of the urban issues that have been most pressing to African-Americans in recent years. But the film then eschews political dilemmas for cheap wit: "then you bluff." What is that supposed to mean? Lie in the fashion of Jay Gatz and become a mogul through exploiting others' wealth? Become a drug kingpin? Suffer through generations of economic abuse and not see any gains for your attempts at self-improvement? The film's joke doesn't even make sense. Ultimately, the viewer is left with an unbalanced moral center.

But, beyond the horrendous acting, beyond the deplorable music, beyond the lackluster mise en scene, beyond the stupid plot points, beyond the confusing themes, the 2014 remake of Annie has no soul. The original 1982 Annie is by no means a five-star film; I'd barely give it over a 7/10. But I have to grant that the film has its moments. From the brief reprise of "Maybe" in which Daddy Warbucks finally admits his paternal feelings towards "Annie" to the breakneck scene on top of the NX bridge to the rousing "Tomorrow" scene with FDR, the film is full of short little scenes that just put a smile on one's face. The 2014 Annie feels like what it actually is: a cash grab. It's a cheap, materialistic remake that is trying to pander to demographics rather than satisfy the merits of good filmmaking.

Recommendation: Theatre fan? Don't see this movie. Movie fans? Don't see this movie. It is not worth anyone's time.

I give Annie 1.6/10 stars.

The Top 100 Best Songs of the 1990s: Part Zero (The Honorable Mentions)

So... 90s music sucks.

Now that I've gotten the Pitchfork and Treblezine crowds stewing in their indie-rock loving rage, let me fully clarify this position. 90s music sucks in comparison to the music of every other decade of recorded music. The popular music is not as good as that of decades prior and succeeding. The underground music is not as good as that of decades prior and succeeding. The experimental music is not as good as that of decades prior and succeeding. Even the jazz and classical music is not as good as that of decades prior and succeeding. In spite of the "twenty-year rule" instructing my generation to adore anything and everything from the 90s, a look at the overall scope of the music made during the decade reveals a remarkably shallow and dull collection as compared to the music of the past and present. It was not a good time for music as art.

I think this stagnancy has a great deal to do with the geopolitical climate of the time. Most great music arises from moments of turbulence and uncertainty, from Napoleon's conquests' effects on Beethoven's symphonies to the Vietnam War fueling the great popular music boom of the 1960s. The 1990s didn't have nearly as much of this uncertainty as did the surrounding decades. The Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, ending the decades-long Cold War that had long been a source of political and artistic tension. While tragedies did occur, like the Rwandan genocide, their impact on the global geopolitical climate, let alone the musical climate, was relatively limited. The world economy enjoyed stable levels of growth and debt, with signs of weakness only showing up in the very beginning and very end of the decade. To put a long story short, there was relatively little to complain about.

Thus, it's all the more baffling to me that the music of the 1990s is the most angsty and complaint-ridden to ever hit the airwaves. Every slightest infraction against a person's sense of privilege warranted a song. To put things into perspective, the 90s were the decade in which we had a song discussing the relative attractiveness of the female posterior as compared to the female bust. While some songs drew attention to legitimate problems that ended up ignored in more tumultuous decades (I'll talk about these songs on my list), most of the most preening and whine-y songs of the decade really didn't mean anything. Granted, whining is still preferable to the reckless abandon of artists who capitalized on the happy-go-lucky feel of the 90s. Let us not forget that the 90s were the decade responsible for giving us Aqua's "Barbie Girl," LFO's "Summer Girls," 4 Non Blondes' "What's Up?," Los Del Rio's "The Macarena," and Billy Ray Cyrus's "Achy Breaky Heart" : all of which rank as some of the worst songs ever written.

That being said, there were some genuinely great things about 90s music. While most of the complaint filled songs of the grunge and indie rock scene are self-pitying and degrading, some are deeply introspective and psychologically thrilling. When the lyrics are on point, they are phenomenal. The advances made in ambient production are truly marvelous to behold. The various genres of the 90s also hold up in their own right. The R&B revival was something to be truly excited about, after the movement floundered in the wake of late 80s. While some of its attitudes were self-defeating, the grunge movement, musically, created the most exciting mainstream hard rock the pop charts had seen since 1984. Towering above all the genres was rap, which hit its artistic and lyrical peak during the 1990s. I could have made a top 100 songs of the 90s just out of the rap songs, and I still would have had to make some tough calls. And then there was great music that was just indefinable: how exactly would one describe OK Computer-era Radiohead?

Thus, to celebrate the good of the 90s, I have compiled this list. The following project has been the dominating stake of my free time for the past few months. I have listened to dozens upon dozens of albums and thousands upon thousands of songs to try to capture the true spirit of 1990s music at its best. The result is a list that I think is fairly comprehensive of the 90s musical landscape, even if I slighted some genres on the grounds that I don't think they were very good in the first place (i.e. grindcore). In addition, I set up some ground rules for my list.

1. No instrumental works. By definition, a song must be sung. But, so long as the song has five words, it can make the list.
• (Cut: Dirty Three's "Authentic Celestial Music")
2. No musical theatre, soundtrack, or choral works.
• (Cut: Alan Menken's "Beauty and the Beast")
3. No artist can have more than two songs on the list.
• (Cut: 2pac's "So Many Tears," Pearl Jam's "Even Flow") 
4. If an artist is to have more than one song on the list, both songs must be distinct enough to represent a different part of the 90s psyche/musical landscape.
• (Cut: Alice in Chains' "Man in the Box")

The title of this list is also important to keep in mind. This is a list of the best songs of the 90s, not the "greatest," a term which suggests influence and overall cultural legacy as being more important than actual quality. If I was ranking the greatest songs of the 90s, the obvious number one would be Nirvana's highly overrated "Smells Like Teen Spirit," merely on the grounds that it influenced more musicians than any other song that came out at that time, in spite of its various deficiencies. I do not want to be predictable. Granted, I do not want to be wholly subjective either, and there are some songs I chose over others on grounds of "greatness" rather than my overall opinion of their quality.

Finally, as to the actual ranking of these 100 songs... personal preference was the overriding factor. I stand by my choices, and I'm happy to defend certain songs' positions to anyone who asks after why I made one choice or another. I like certain songs for certain reasons, and this list reflects that level of subjectivity. All viewers are free to judge this list as it is.

The following songs just missed the cut, but they deserve listens all the same.

"Straight To You" - Nick Cave (1992)

Prior to the 1990s, Nick Cave was one of the most intimidating and terrifying figures in alternative rock. This is a man who can sing songs about schizophrenic rapists, malicious voyeurs, and murderers on death row without batting an eye. Sure, he changed his style every so often, but he was very much a figure of musical chaos. The 90s sparked a change, as he gave himself the freedom to flex his musical muscles. For behind Cave's psychotic visage is an accomplished balladeer. While "Into My Arms" from The Boatman's Call is the more obvious choice for this list, I opted for 1992's "Straight to You" from Henry's Dream instead. While both songs are good, I think "Straight to You" offers a more "classic" feeling. There are a lot of implicit allusions to Bob Seger, Fleetwood Mac, and Tom Waits in the instrumentation. I always enjoy songs that manage to bring such diverse sounds together, and "Straight to You" is a paradigm of such songs.

"The Book of Love" - The Magnetic Fields (1999)

It is quite a task to make a single album containing 69 love songs. It's an even greater task to make one of these love songs stand out from the other 68. But that's just what The Magnetic Fields achieved with "The Book of Love." While "100,000 Fireflies"'s ironic use of bright piano to express a grim message did pique my interest, I ended up siding with the ethereal beauty of "The Book of Love." The humility of the lyrics offers an emotional sincerity that is generally absent from most 90s love songs.

"Me and Jesus the Pimp in a '79 Granada Last Night" - The Coup (1998)

The Coup is one of the more forgotten hip hop groups of the 1990s, but "Me and Jesus the Pimp in a '79 Granada Last Night" is a lyrical masterpiece. The tale of a young hustler who takes revenge on the father who ruined his childhood, only to be trapped in the same cycle of violence that same father performed throughout his life, "Me and Jesus the Pimp in a '79 Granada Last Night" creates a truly menacing atmosphere out of a sensuous backing choir and several incisive rhymes. Had the inflections of the Coup been more pronounced, it would have made the list, but it instead has to linger down here.

"I Got 5 On It" - The Luniz (1995)

"I Got 5 On It" was the closest rap song of the honorable mentions to making the list, what with it being perhaps the most quintessential stoner song in music history. Its chorus is immediately memorable, and the bass line sticks in one's head for hours. All the same, this song gave us the infamous line:

"I take sacks to the face, whenever I can"

Thus, it did not make the list.

"Everybody Everybody" - Black Box

"Everybody Everybody" is one of the most infectious dance jams ever written. It would have made the list had there not been a different dance jam with the same lead singer actually on the list. (For those of you watching the video, that supermodel is lip-syncing.)

"Whatta Man" - Salt n' Pepa feat. En Vogue

Salt n' Pepa were such an anomaly in the realm of hip-hop that it's still somewhat alarming. While "Push It" is one of the most sexualized songs in contemporary music history, the rest of their catalogue is an incredible set of female-positive, safe sex-positive oasis in a realm of misogynistic, gangsta-worshipping rap songs. "Whatta Man" is the most popular song, with some of the most on-point rhymes about what women tend to value in relationships (at least, as far as they tell me). The only reason this song didn't make the list (or any Salt n' Pepa song, for that matter) is the lackluster chorus and production. It's just somewhat lifeless as compared to the production used by the gangster rappers of the time.

"Flagpole Sitta" - Harvey Danger

"Flagpole Sitta" is probably the 90s rock song that best predicted the direction of mainstream rock and roll to come. The future didn't lie in Nirvana or Pearl Jam knock-offs; it lay in pop punk bands that copied Green Day's business model. All the same, "Flagpole Sitta" predates most of that music and is generally better, as the snide charm of the lyrics doesn't end up clashing with a lackluster production. There's plenty of energy here, and the song has genuine momentum. It's not aged as well as some other 90s punk songs, but it's got staying power as a piece of cultural ephemera.

"Hangar 18" - Megadeth

The 1990s were a terrible time for thrash metal. The Big Four all headed off in different directions, Metallica going commercial, Anthrax pursuing rap metal, and Slayer being as sludgy and boring as ever. Only Megadeth stayed true to thrash's roots, but, in spite of improved guitar playing, the overall song structure tended to collapse as compared to the songs seen on Peace Sells... But Who's Buying. "Hangar 18" is the one track of the Megadeth 90s catalogue that manages to hold its own against their 80s material. Its emphasis on melody and minor triads really drives the song forward in a way few other 90s Megadeth songs match.

"Sober" - Tool

Tool was certainly an above average metal band in the 1990s, but it would be in the 2000s that they established themselves as the best progressive metal group in the world. Given the choice between 1996's Aenima and 2001's Lateralus, I side wholly with Lateralus. That being said, "Sober" is a great indication of the powerhouse metal band Tool would eventually become. From its pounding riff to the cryptic vocal, "Sober" is one of the most chilling songs of the decade.

"Jet City Woman" - Queensrÿche

In my opinion, "Jet City Woman" is the last great hair metal song. I'm certain that some would argue that something from Skid Row's 1991 Slave to the Grind album is better, but I don't think that record can possibly top this bombastic a power ballad. Queensrÿche always sold themselves on being a more talented group than the rest of the hair metal crowd, what with the superiority of Geoff Tate's vocals, and "Jet City Woman" is a huge point in their favor. I dare you not to try to sing along with this chorus, the key word being "try."

"Hard to Handle" - The Black Crowes

Total guilty pleasure pick here. Then again, I can't find anyone who would dare call this cover a bad version. Thus, it makes the honorable mentions list.

"You Oughta Know" - Alanis Morissette

Alanis Morissette's music has suffered some backlash in recent years, mostly due to her failure to grasp the concept of irony as opposed to coincidence. Yet Morisette's best song, "You Oughta Know," has its own fair share of haters. Yet, as far as I can see, the song's detractors are mostly misogynists who cannot get beyond the fact that a woman is bitterly complaining about a man breaking up with her, in spite of men writing hundreds of these songs without women batting an eye. Thus, in spite of my personal distaste for Alanis Morissette's vocals, I'm marking this as an honorable mention in order to rehabilitate its reputation. Alanis made complaining marketable, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

"Kiss Me" - Sixpence None the Richer

Another "guilty pleasure" pick. Perhaps it's just my childhood nostalgia at work, but I can't say a single bad word against this song. Sure, it's not the most profound song ever written, but the basic romantic longing combined with the pastoral clichés of the lyrics create a lovably cheesy song that really works. To me, few songs come so close to epitomizing 90s adult alternative.

"A Letter to Elise" - The Cure

The Cure is the emo rock band. Sadly, after the release of the more joyful (though still good) single, "Friday, I'm in Love," the band seemed to lose a bit of its gothic sting. "A Letter to Elise" is the band's last classic, depressing song, and it's definitely a return to form. The song builds up to a release that washes the listener in pure, unabated sadness. I definitely suggest a listen.

"Holes" - Mercury Rev

Of all the honorable mentions, "Holes" came the closest to making the list. My introduction to one of my favorite bands of the decade, "Holes" employs strings and and synthesizers to their greatest effect to produce a feeling of absolute freedom, a freedom that is at once inspiring and terrifying. The song's effective use of dissonance leaves the listener hanging in a sort of limbo, teetering upon the edge right before falling in.

"Smells Like Teen Spirit" - Nirvana

I may personally hate "Smells Like Teen Spirit" for gaining a cult of personality beyond its musical merit, but I will concede that it had a dramatic effect on the development of rock music in the 90s, if only because it became popular. It is a total Pixies rip-off (by Kurt Cobain's own admission), but its loud-soft dynamic actually got heard on the radio. It is undoubtedly the most influential song of the 90s, even though its actual quality is dubious. As far as I'm concerned, I feel no need to listen to this song ever again. But the rest of the world seems to like it, so let them have it.

The list is on its way.